Habang tumatagal ay lalong nagiging delikado ang mundo. Lumalala na kasi ang terorismo, giyera at crimes. Kung maaari lang sigurong manirahan sa ibang planeta matagal na natin itong ginawa. Wala na nga yatang ligtas na lugar ngayon kung tutuusin. Sa kabila ng kaguluhan, bukod sa Antarctica, ang bansa pa rin natin safest.
Bakit sa palagay ko ang bansang Pilipinas ang pinakaligtas sa mundo?
.Ally tayo ng USA at UK.
.Kaibigan din ng bansa natin ang China.
.Miyembro ang bansa natin sa ASEAN.
.Malapit din ang mga Pilipino sa mga Muslim countries.
.Wala namang alitan ang bansa natin sa Ruso.
.Friends na rin ang bansa natin sa North Korea
.Patuloy pa rin tayong kumukuha ng supply ng langis sa mga middle-eastern countries.
.Maganda ang ugnayan ng Pilipinas sa India at mga kalapit na bansa.
.Supplier tayo ng mga entertainers sa Japan.
.Tinatangkilik nating mga Pinoy ang mga Koreanovelas.
.Maganda pa rin ang relasyon natin sa mga drug traffickers sa South America.
.Nanggagaling ang mga ukay-ukay natin sa Hongkong.
.Nag-aral sa France si KC Concepcion.
.May dugong pinoy si Rob Schneider.
.Kasama sa nominees ng Top 99 Women in the World ng Askmen si Angel Locsin.
.Naiintindihan natin ang lenggwahe ng mga pengui.
.Nakatira sa bansa natin ang pinakamayamang tao sa mundo, si Eddie Gil.
.Kasalukuyang nananahan sa bansang ito ang katakam-takam at pinakagwapong virgin demigod na si Billycoy Dacuycu.
Saturday, November 24, 2007
Just An Inquiry....!
Maraming katanungan ang bumabalot sa sangkatauhan. Sa mga katanungang ito doon naman nagmumula ang mga karunungan natin. Ngunit may ilang katanungan pa rin ang nananatiling misteryo sa ating lahat. Mga tanong na wala na yatang kasagutan. Mga tanong na hindi nagpapatulog sa ating mga gabi. Mga tanong na patuloy na bumabagabag sa ating isipan.1.Anu-ano ba ang mga katanungang kahit tayo ay di natin masagot?
2.Paano natin malalaman ang lengguwahe o dialect ng mga pipi? May proper pronunciation or grammar din kaya ang sign language?
3.Kailan kaya tatama ang PAG-ASA sa kanilang weather forecast?
4.Takot ba talaga ang elepante sa daga?
5.Kailan matututo ang mga lalaki na mag-shoot ng ihi sa inidoro?
6.Ano na mangyayari kay Santa Clause kapag natunaw ang ice caps sa North Pole?
7.Kung ikaw na lang ang lalaki (kung babae ka, kunwari shemale ka) sa mundo at si Mahal at Madam Auring ang natitirang babae sa mundo, sino ang pipiliin mo?
8.Marami bang pole dancers sa Poland?
8.Detachable ba talaga ang ilong ni Michael Jackson?
9.Higante ba si Big Brother?
10.Trend ba talaga ang drunk-driving para sumikat?
11.Bakit ba naimbento ang yosi?
12.Ano mas masarap, sex, beer, chocolates o tumae?
13.Kung maprotina ang mga ipis at iba pang nakakadiring insekto, bakit hindi ito sina-suggest ng DOH at BFAD na pagkain?
14.Kamukha ba ni Brad Pitt si kamatayan? Kung ganun man... ang pangit naman!
15.Naniniwala ba kayong USB (Untouched Since Birth) pa si Hamdi?Iyan ang ilang bumabagabag sa aking isipan. Ngayon, it's your turn naman para mag-isip at mabigyan ng kasagutan ang mga iyan.
2.Paano natin malalaman ang lengguwahe o dialect ng mga pipi? May proper pronunciation or grammar din kaya ang sign language?
3.Kailan kaya tatama ang PAG-ASA sa kanilang weather forecast?
4.Takot ba talaga ang elepante sa daga?
5.Kailan matututo ang mga lalaki na mag-shoot ng ihi sa inidoro?
6.Ano na mangyayari kay Santa Clause kapag natunaw ang ice caps sa North Pole?
7.Kung ikaw na lang ang lalaki (kung babae ka, kunwari shemale ka) sa mundo at si Mahal at Madam Auring ang natitirang babae sa mundo, sino ang pipiliin mo?
8.Marami bang pole dancers sa Poland?
8.Detachable ba talaga ang ilong ni Michael Jackson?
9.Higante ba si Big Brother?
10.Trend ba talaga ang drunk-driving para sumikat?
11.Bakit ba naimbento ang yosi?
12.Ano mas masarap, sex, beer, chocolates o tumae?
13.Kung maprotina ang mga ipis at iba pang nakakadiring insekto, bakit hindi ito sina-suggest ng DOH at BFAD na pagkain?
14.Kamukha ba ni Brad Pitt si kamatayan? Kung ganun man... ang pangit naman!
15.Naniniwala ba kayong USB (Untouched Since Birth) pa si Hamdi?Iyan ang ilang bumabagabag sa aking isipan. Ngayon, it's your turn naman para mag-isip at mabigyan ng kasagutan ang mga iyan.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
My Christian Life:
this story happened about 9 years ago. i copied everything from my journal and have done some minor editing coz my grammar was completely unacceptable. hehehe...WARNING: if you're allergic to drama, don't read this.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
when i was still a kid, i've always dreamed of falling in love with this perfect guy, someone i can count on, someone who'd be sweet to me no matter what, someone who'd treat me like his queen and of course, someone who's good enough for my parents.
i never really cared if he was good-looking or if he was rich. all i wished for was for him to treat me right.
so years passed, i got into fifth grade and got myself my first ever boyfriend. he was this brat from school who cared nothing more than his teenage toys and computer games. at first it was fun. he made me smile and he made me laugh. but then one day, i found out that he had one "pretty baby" in each and every major highshcool in the city. i broke up with him right away.
then, after two or more insignificant relationships later, i met this really amazing guy named Christian. oh my god. i could almost touch his dark brown locks and his oh-so-wonderful skin. but really; he wasn't the hunky type. my friends often mention to me his being dorky and geeky. he was like a dead fish when it comes to socializing... and that's what got me interested with him. he was dead serious with everything he does and oh my, those eyes, they seemed to go right through me and melt me like butter on a hot pan. the first time i saw him, he became my ultimate crush from then on.
months passed and i got to know him better. we were in the same group of friends. it was a group of teenagers from rich and prominent families. i was actually the only one who obviously came from a middle class family. up to now, i still can't figure out why i even hang out with them in the first place. but anyway, he was then dating this girl his cousin, Nicole "endorsed" to him. i hated the girl! not because i was jealous, but because she was bloody ugly and absurdly bitchy. apparently, i was the only one who saw that. so i never said anything about her and Christian dating. after all, it was a one way thing. me liking him, him having no idea about it.
then one day, we were at this mall, doing our usual thing, hanging out, window shopping in a group of about 10 peeps. i was behind everyone. i looked like their friggin maid, actually! hahaha... but i insist; i was so much more prettier. (bwahahahaha!!! ) and then, the bitch, i think her name was Cara? i don't really remember was strutting her fat ass and pointing in every direction, talking about how rich and fancy she is... yadeeyadeeya... so i mumbled bout how i hated being with her, not knowing that Christian was already beside me! he heard every friggin word that i said! so i froze, there, in front of him, i was shaking!!! then suddenly, he said: " you're so right." oh my god!!! he didn't like the bitch too! i was ecstatic!
so we were talking (literally) behind her back, enumerating all the annoying things bout her. and overnight, he became my bestfriend.
and so, Nicole went on, pushing the idea of both of them getting together as a couple, an idea Cara seemed to love, and Christian went on feeling like hell and telling me how insane the whole thing was. he kept calling me at home almost every night, sharing every foolish thing we could come up with, and beating the shit out of life. we loved being together... but still, I WAS JUST HIS FRIEND.
one day, we were hanging out somewhere, when Cara caught Christian and I talking happily about god knows what kind of gibberish it was. she was furious because earlier that day, he was asked by Nicole to sit by Cara at this fancy restaurant and talk bout well--err... i dunno. but clearly, Christian opted to be with me instead. so this bitch walks up to us and said rudely: "Chris, why are you with her? you're not supposed to be hanging out with lower lifeforms.." and even added, looking at me, saying:" no offense intended, ok?"
hell! no offense? was she kidding me or was she just plain dumb to even say that? i stood up, looked at her straight in the eye and said: "i know you don't like me but please, spare me your poor choice of words." - or something like that. and know what the creep did? she slapped me on the face with her huge flabby arms! when she was about to make a second one, Christian stopped her. he then told her how he hated girls making the wrong moves and even told Cara that in no way did he want to get their friendship to another level.
Christian then looked down at me( he's 6'2'' so he's got to do that ) and said: "you're the one i like; not Cara..." well, the words may have not been the same ones uttered that day but it sure was in pure english coz this Cara insisted she couldn't understand Bisaya. oohh her blasted lies!
by then, we were attracting a small crowd because of the commotion and most of our friends heard what Christian said. out of nowhere, Nicole came up and said something about Christian and i not belonging together. she mentioned something bout Jupiter and Pluto. ha. so we looked like planets? anyway, it was harshly obvious that they can't take the fact that Christian was digging me.
because of humiliation and the overwhelming need to seek refuge somewhere other than that dreadful place, i ran away without looking back. i didn't know where to go, what to do, all i wanted was to go elsewhere.
so for about a month, i didn't talk to anyone from the group except with Christian's bestfriend Jacob, who was the one who actually waited for me at our school's gate, begging me to go with him and hang out with the group once again.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
hmmm... this is getting really long. i'm hungry and i'd have to finish this another time... =)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
after what, 8 months? here i am, trying to complete this gibberish.
so Jacob was there, with all his charm and handsomeness, asked if i could join him for dinner. half of me was trying to say no and pretend that i didn't care less but the other half was sure that i was hungry and i needed to eat. what harm would free chow do?
we walked into this pizza place that was a li'l over a kilometer away from my school. and there, on one of the corners of Pizza Hut was Christian, gazing into my eyes, as if drawing me near like he was some magnet and i was some paper clip. hell it felt like i was melting like cheese on the soggy pizza that lay on the table. i had no choice but to sit with him. i was starving and i sure can't go anywhere else without looking awfully stupid. i glared angrily at Jacob, furious of his trickery, i playfully elbowed his left rib and he shook the place with a loud howl.
after grabbing a bite, Jacob left to give Chris and I some space, he said. so there, Chris apologized about everything, saying it never should've happened that way if only he told me how he really felt sooner. to make the long story short, he said story, i said ok, and the next morning, he announced that him and i were formally together. i didn't even know we were but hey, that was like a dream come true, so why bother protesting?
so there, we were together for a couple of months. we truly enjoyed each other's company. he was not only my boyfriend but he was my friend. we shared our secrets and became great starcraft buddies. he then introduced me to his family, to his beautiful, and elegant mom and his undeniably intimidating father. at first it felt awkward coz i knew my boyfriend belonged to the other half of the society and him and i are just too darn different in every angle. while his mom sipped on martinis, my mom does the dishes. as his father would play golf on weekends, my dad had to work on weekends to make our life more or less comfortable for my brother and i.
but his family didn't seem to mind. in no time, his mom and i got really close and loved doing things together. there was even a time when his mom was in town (they're almost always not in the city), she'd call me up and ask me to come by their house and bake pastries together. god, i missed those times...
basically everything went smoothly. it was almost as if i was living my dream. Christian was more than just a boyfriend, he was a friend who understood me and assured me that he'll always be there for me no matter what... all was perfect til one unfortunate day...
it was our 5th monthsary and we were having dinner in one of the prettiest restaurants uptown. after finishing our meal, he suddenly reached for my hands and held them tightly. i felt odd. he's not the romantic type and for him to do something like that would certainly mean trouble or the exact opposite. and i was right on target.
Christian was flying to L.A. the next week for college. he passed a scholarship program in one of the prominent universities there and that meant that he'd have to be there for at least an entire year before he could afford to go home and go back to the states after a few days' visit.
i was surprised, shocked, angry and confused. i slapped him. slapped him really hard that he held on to his cheek like i tore it off his face. i could not believe what i heard. how could he do that to me? how could he not even tell me that he applied for the blasted thing? why tell me now when he was just about to leave? i thought we were honest to each other? i thought we were open.... i thought he understood how painful it is for me to hear all that. of course i felt proud my boyfriend was that smart but hell, if he doesn't tell me bout it, and if it means he'd be thousands of miles away, it didn't mean a sh*tty thing to me... didn't mean a thing...
as an impulse, i stormed out of the room in tears. i knew he was trying to catch up but i was too fast for him. i hurriedly got inside the cab and instructed the driver to bring me home.
later that night, he called. and we talked. i couldn't even call it "talking" coz half of the time i was in tears and for sure, he could barely understand a thing between sobs. i felt so deceived, so mad but most of all, so lonely and so scared... with the few months we were together, i got so used to having him around, to seeing him wait for me after school, feel him squeeze my hand when he stares down at me... i got so used to loving him and being loved by him.
so, i told him. it just isn't worth it. i couldn't handle the distance... we broke up. and the last thing he said before i hung up was "Wait for me; I'll come back for you."
so after a few weeks, months, and then 2 years pass, without a word from one another, i receve this mail on our supposedly 2nd year anniversary, telling me he'll be back for summer and he wanted to see me.
i sure did miss him. but after what happened, i've managed to tame my heart and got in touch with the reality that him and i just ain't worth it anymore. i was also dating other guys then but never to the point when i could truly say that i fell in love again. no guy was ever good enough, no other hand squeezed mine the same way Christian did.
no matter how i try to tell myself that seeing him was a bad idea, the longing prevailed and so on that day of his arrival, i found myself on their front door, ringing the bell. as the door opened, my heart pounded wildly inside my chest. it was Christian. he knew i was gonna be there. i called and left a message asking if he was around but got invited by his mom to come over instead. he gained some weight, it was clear but he still looked as stunning as he always did. damn he looked really good. i guess we were both surprised to see each other coz he didn't move a muscle til his mom approached the door and asked who arrived. so when his mom saw me, she let me in with a smile.
there i was, on the table, with his family and close relatives and friends having a dinner of scallops and shellfish and all seafood Chris might've missed eating. after the meal, he walked up to me, held my hand and led me to their patio. god, i could never forget that night. the moon was shining brightly and the stars were plastered beautifully up the sky like this wallpaper i kept on my desktop...
and, in the middle of the odd silence, he hugged me tight, and kissed my forehead and said: "I want you to be Mrs. Christian Ong." those were his exact words.
i gasped, not knowing what to say. i stuttered, but he placed his fingers on my lips gesturing that i didn't have to say anything. i guess i gave away too much when tears just fell as i locked a gaze into his beautifully small eyes. he could see i was happy, he could see how stunned and shocked i was but what he didn't know is how confused i was as well.
i was only about fifteen when that happened. was he out of his mind or has he gone mad? or was it too much sunshine in California? he went on saying he loves me still and he doesn't want anyone else but me... so i said i'd give it some thought even if my heart knew that this was what i really wanted to hear... well, maybe not the sort-of "marry me" thing, but it was how he showed me how much he still loved me. he said okay, he can wait and that was it. he flew back to the states a few weeks later.
i spent each day thinking things over. what did he mean bout that? did he want us to elope? was he merely planning ahead? besides, what would my mom say when i tell her i'm gonna get married? is it even possible for me to get married on that age (i didn't even know the legal age for marriage)? what will happen to me if i'd say yes? do i love him enough to marry him? hundreds of questions without any clear answer stormed through me. it's just so silly when i realize now how easy it would've been if only we talked bout it.
a few more months pass and Christian and I were e-mailing each other every once in a while and he calls to check on me every week. things were kind of working. though he was away, he made sure i'd feel his presence. not the boyfriend kind of thing coz we weren't back together. i still stayed with my "... i'll think things through" line. i was almost convinced that it was gonna be okay... i was about to give him an answer.
*sigh. on one wicked day, i was on my way home when i bumped into Allen. he was a friend Chris and i shared. it has been a long, long time since him and i ever talked. as you remember, i was avoiding my old "friends" since that MMK moment at the mall years back. so we sat and had coffee/coke and talked bout things. and there, i got the most shocking news yet.
the girl Allen used to date, Kristine, was already 9 months pregnant with Christian's baby. the girl was one of Nicole's, Christian's cousin's friend. heck, i'd say she was from the same occult.
i didn't know how to react, what to say. i didn't even know if i had to say anything. i felt my heart in my throat as if i was about to puke it out. i wanted to cry, i wanted to just let out a shriek and maybe, just maybe, i could make myself feel better. Allen didn't know that Chris and i are sort-of back together and i didn't want him to know as well. i didn't want him to see how painful it was for me. so, with all the confidence i could muster, i acted like it was something that i was expecting. with all effort, i giggled nervously and told Allen i had to rush to my swimming practice.
it turned out that Kristine, who has a mom working as a nurse in the states, went there for a vacation and eventually arranged to proceed with her studies there. she went to L.A. to visit Christian. later on, as i tried to gather as much information about the issue as i could, i found out from a very reliable source that Kristine already had the hots for Chris even before i came in the picture--about 3 years back. on one of those party nights that Chris had at their college dorm, it was rumored that she drugged his drink and did the unimaginable and intentionally impregnated herself. what's funny is, they have same names.
after finding that out, i hurried to send him an email to ask him about everything. so in just about an hour, he called me up denying everything.
the girl by then was in Cebu and so i found ways to meet up with her. so we talked. and she admitted everything--how desperate she was, how much she loved him, and how much she envied me. when i first heard what happened, i was infuriated and planted this anger on Kristine that i wanted to just pull her hair and whatever but after hearing what she had to say, i saw how shattered she was. i felt compassion. i was empathetic and understood where she was coming from. she told me that Chris already knows about it and she was even hoping that he could at least acknowledge the baby. she even knew that he was still in love with me... for on that night when it happened, Chris was calling my name.
i was abhorred, indignant and just so disappointed with this man i loved. another case of Chris not telling me things. once again, all the confusion, the anger and the worry came back like a blast from the past. here i was torn between the word of my so-called beloved boyfriend and the testimonial of more than just four friends and the girl involved herself. i talked to him though, saying that it was alright, that someday, i will learn to accept it and forgive him for what happened. but Chris kept rejecting the idea of ever talking to Kristine to arrange something and vowed that he would never ever say that the baby was his own.
it appalled me that he can't at least see the kid and just do something for his son. so i realized that he didn't have enough kindness and soul that i needed in a guy. i knew it was over. enough with the lies and betrayal. i just couldn't risk it anymore.
so that, my friends, was the turning point of our fairy tale. i decided that he was not someone i could trust, not someone who'd be ready to take whatever responsibility he should hold. Kristine may have done it for selfish reasons but let's not forget that the baby didn't didn't have anything to do with what happened. he's an angel and for that, he has to be loved and be treated right. and that's something his father should be doing.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
years have passed and every now and then Chris would e-mail me. i'd seldom reply. the pain is like a nightmare that haunts me. i heard that til now, he still won't acknowledge the baby.
i never denied the fact that i was then in madly in love with him. Chris may have reasons for his actions and those are choices he himself made. it's better it all ended. i loved him, he loved me, but he's now just a part of my past and i've been long able to let it all go--including the love.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
when i was still a kid, i've always dreamed of falling in love with this perfect guy, someone i can count on, someone who'd be sweet to me no matter what, someone who'd treat me like his queen and of course, someone who's good enough for my parents.
i never really cared if he was good-looking or if he was rich. all i wished for was for him to treat me right.
so years passed, i got into fifth grade and got myself my first ever boyfriend. he was this brat from school who cared nothing more than his teenage toys and computer games. at first it was fun. he made me smile and he made me laugh. but then one day, i found out that he had one "pretty baby" in each and every major highshcool in the city. i broke up with him right away.
then, after two or more insignificant relationships later, i met this really amazing guy named Christian. oh my god. i could almost touch his dark brown locks and his oh-so-wonderful skin. but really; he wasn't the hunky type. my friends often mention to me his being dorky and geeky. he was like a dead fish when it comes to socializing... and that's what got me interested with him. he was dead serious with everything he does and oh my, those eyes, they seemed to go right through me and melt me like butter on a hot pan. the first time i saw him, he became my ultimate crush from then on.
months passed and i got to know him better. we were in the same group of friends. it was a group of teenagers from rich and prominent families. i was actually the only one who obviously came from a middle class family. up to now, i still can't figure out why i even hang out with them in the first place. but anyway, he was then dating this girl his cousin, Nicole "endorsed" to him. i hated the girl! not because i was jealous, but because she was bloody ugly and absurdly bitchy. apparently, i was the only one who saw that. so i never said anything about her and Christian dating. after all, it was a one way thing. me liking him, him having no idea about it.
then one day, we were at this mall, doing our usual thing, hanging out, window shopping in a group of about 10 peeps. i was behind everyone. i looked like their friggin maid, actually! hahaha... but i insist; i was so much more prettier. (bwahahahaha!!! ) and then, the bitch, i think her name was Cara? i don't really remember was strutting her fat ass and pointing in every direction, talking about how rich and fancy she is... yadeeyadeeya... so i mumbled bout how i hated being with her, not knowing that Christian was already beside me! he heard every friggin word that i said! so i froze, there, in front of him, i was shaking!!! then suddenly, he said: " you're so right." oh my god!!! he didn't like the bitch too! i was ecstatic!
so we were talking (literally) behind her back, enumerating all the annoying things bout her. and overnight, he became my bestfriend.
and so, Nicole went on, pushing the idea of both of them getting together as a couple, an idea Cara seemed to love, and Christian went on feeling like hell and telling me how insane the whole thing was. he kept calling me at home almost every night, sharing every foolish thing we could come up with, and beating the shit out of life. we loved being together... but still, I WAS JUST HIS FRIEND.
one day, we were hanging out somewhere, when Cara caught Christian and I talking happily about god knows what kind of gibberish it was. she was furious because earlier that day, he was asked by Nicole to sit by Cara at this fancy restaurant and talk bout well--err... i dunno. but clearly, Christian opted to be with me instead. so this bitch walks up to us and said rudely: "Chris, why are you with her? you're not supposed to be hanging out with lower lifeforms.." and even added, looking at me, saying:" no offense intended, ok?"
hell! no offense? was she kidding me or was she just plain dumb to even say that? i stood up, looked at her straight in the eye and said: "i know you don't like me but please, spare me your poor choice of words." - or something like that. and know what the creep did? she slapped me on the face with her huge flabby arms! when she was about to make a second one, Christian stopped her. he then told her how he hated girls making the wrong moves and even told Cara that in no way did he want to get their friendship to another level.
Christian then looked down at me( he's 6'2'' so he's got to do that ) and said: "you're the one i like; not Cara..." well, the words may have not been the same ones uttered that day but it sure was in pure english coz this Cara insisted she couldn't understand Bisaya. oohh her blasted lies!
by then, we were attracting a small crowd because of the commotion and most of our friends heard what Christian said. out of nowhere, Nicole came up and said something about Christian and i not belonging together. she mentioned something bout Jupiter and Pluto. ha. so we looked like planets? anyway, it was harshly obvious that they can't take the fact that Christian was digging me.
because of humiliation and the overwhelming need to seek refuge somewhere other than that dreadful place, i ran away without looking back. i didn't know where to go, what to do, all i wanted was to go elsewhere.
so for about a month, i didn't talk to anyone from the group except with Christian's bestfriend Jacob, who was the one who actually waited for me at our school's gate, begging me to go with him and hang out with the group once again.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
hmmm... this is getting really long. i'm hungry and i'd have to finish this another time... =)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
after what, 8 months? here i am, trying to complete this gibberish.
so Jacob was there, with all his charm and handsomeness, asked if i could join him for dinner. half of me was trying to say no and pretend that i didn't care less but the other half was sure that i was hungry and i needed to eat. what harm would free chow do?
we walked into this pizza place that was a li'l over a kilometer away from my school. and there, on one of the corners of Pizza Hut was Christian, gazing into my eyes, as if drawing me near like he was some magnet and i was some paper clip. hell it felt like i was melting like cheese on the soggy pizza that lay on the table. i had no choice but to sit with him. i was starving and i sure can't go anywhere else without looking awfully stupid. i glared angrily at Jacob, furious of his trickery, i playfully elbowed his left rib and he shook the place with a loud howl.
after grabbing a bite, Jacob left to give Chris and I some space, he said. so there, Chris apologized about everything, saying it never should've happened that way if only he told me how he really felt sooner. to make the long story short, he said story, i said ok, and the next morning, he announced that him and i were formally together. i didn't even know we were but hey, that was like a dream come true, so why bother protesting?
so there, we were together for a couple of months. we truly enjoyed each other's company. he was not only my boyfriend but he was my friend. we shared our secrets and became great starcraft buddies. he then introduced me to his family, to his beautiful, and elegant mom and his undeniably intimidating father. at first it felt awkward coz i knew my boyfriend belonged to the other half of the society and him and i are just too darn different in every angle. while his mom sipped on martinis, my mom does the dishes. as his father would play golf on weekends, my dad had to work on weekends to make our life more or less comfortable for my brother and i.
but his family didn't seem to mind. in no time, his mom and i got really close and loved doing things together. there was even a time when his mom was in town (they're almost always not in the city), she'd call me up and ask me to come by their house and bake pastries together. god, i missed those times...
basically everything went smoothly. it was almost as if i was living my dream. Christian was more than just a boyfriend, he was a friend who understood me and assured me that he'll always be there for me no matter what... all was perfect til one unfortunate day...
it was our 5th monthsary and we were having dinner in one of the prettiest restaurants uptown. after finishing our meal, he suddenly reached for my hands and held them tightly. i felt odd. he's not the romantic type and for him to do something like that would certainly mean trouble or the exact opposite. and i was right on target.
Christian was flying to L.A. the next week for college. he passed a scholarship program in one of the prominent universities there and that meant that he'd have to be there for at least an entire year before he could afford to go home and go back to the states after a few days' visit.
i was surprised, shocked, angry and confused. i slapped him. slapped him really hard that he held on to his cheek like i tore it off his face. i could not believe what i heard. how could he do that to me? how could he not even tell me that he applied for the blasted thing? why tell me now when he was just about to leave? i thought we were honest to each other? i thought we were open.... i thought he understood how painful it is for me to hear all that. of course i felt proud my boyfriend was that smart but hell, if he doesn't tell me bout it, and if it means he'd be thousands of miles away, it didn't mean a sh*tty thing to me... didn't mean a thing...
as an impulse, i stormed out of the room in tears. i knew he was trying to catch up but i was too fast for him. i hurriedly got inside the cab and instructed the driver to bring me home.
later that night, he called. and we talked. i couldn't even call it "talking" coz half of the time i was in tears and for sure, he could barely understand a thing between sobs. i felt so deceived, so mad but most of all, so lonely and so scared... with the few months we were together, i got so used to having him around, to seeing him wait for me after school, feel him squeeze my hand when he stares down at me... i got so used to loving him and being loved by him.
so, i told him. it just isn't worth it. i couldn't handle the distance... we broke up. and the last thing he said before i hung up was "Wait for me; I'll come back for you."
so after a few weeks, months, and then 2 years pass, without a word from one another, i receve this mail on our supposedly 2nd year anniversary, telling me he'll be back for summer and he wanted to see me.
i sure did miss him. but after what happened, i've managed to tame my heart and got in touch with the reality that him and i just ain't worth it anymore. i was also dating other guys then but never to the point when i could truly say that i fell in love again. no guy was ever good enough, no other hand squeezed mine the same way Christian did.
no matter how i try to tell myself that seeing him was a bad idea, the longing prevailed and so on that day of his arrival, i found myself on their front door, ringing the bell. as the door opened, my heart pounded wildly inside my chest. it was Christian. he knew i was gonna be there. i called and left a message asking if he was around but got invited by his mom to come over instead. he gained some weight, it was clear but he still looked as stunning as he always did. damn he looked really good. i guess we were both surprised to see each other coz he didn't move a muscle til his mom approached the door and asked who arrived. so when his mom saw me, she let me in with a smile.
there i was, on the table, with his family and close relatives and friends having a dinner of scallops and shellfish and all seafood Chris might've missed eating. after the meal, he walked up to me, held my hand and led me to their patio. god, i could never forget that night. the moon was shining brightly and the stars were plastered beautifully up the sky like this wallpaper i kept on my desktop...
and, in the middle of the odd silence, he hugged me tight, and kissed my forehead and said: "I want you to be Mrs. Christian Ong." those were his exact words.
i gasped, not knowing what to say. i stuttered, but he placed his fingers on my lips gesturing that i didn't have to say anything. i guess i gave away too much when tears just fell as i locked a gaze into his beautifully small eyes. he could see i was happy, he could see how stunned and shocked i was but what he didn't know is how confused i was as well.
i was only about fifteen when that happened. was he out of his mind or has he gone mad? or was it too much sunshine in California? he went on saying he loves me still and he doesn't want anyone else but me... so i said i'd give it some thought even if my heart knew that this was what i really wanted to hear... well, maybe not the sort-of "marry me" thing, but it was how he showed me how much he still loved me. he said okay, he can wait and that was it. he flew back to the states a few weeks later.
i spent each day thinking things over. what did he mean bout that? did he want us to elope? was he merely planning ahead? besides, what would my mom say when i tell her i'm gonna get married? is it even possible for me to get married on that age (i didn't even know the legal age for marriage)? what will happen to me if i'd say yes? do i love him enough to marry him? hundreds of questions without any clear answer stormed through me. it's just so silly when i realize now how easy it would've been if only we talked bout it.
a few more months pass and Christian and I were e-mailing each other every once in a while and he calls to check on me every week. things were kind of working. though he was away, he made sure i'd feel his presence. not the boyfriend kind of thing coz we weren't back together. i still stayed with my "... i'll think things through" line. i was almost convinced that it was gonna be okay... i was about to give him an answer.
*sigh. on one wicked day, i was on my way home when i bumped into Allen. he was a friend Chris and i shared. it has been a long, long time since him and i ever talked. as you remember, i was avoiding my old "friends" since that MMK moment at the mall years back. so we sat and had coffee/coke and talked bout things. and there, i got the most shocking news yet.
the girl Allen used to date, Kristine, was already 9 months pregnant with Christian's baby. the girl was one of Nicole's, Christian's cousin's friend. heck, i'd say she was from the same occult.
i didn't know how to react, what to say. i didn't even know if i had to say anything. i felt my heart in my throat as if i was about to puke it out. i wanted to cry, i wanted to just let out a shriek and maybe, just maybe, i could make myself feel better. Allen didn't know that Chris and i are sort-of back together and i didn't want him to know as well. i didn't want him to see how painful it was for me. so, with all the confidence i could muster, i acted like it was something that i was expecting. with all effort, i giggled nervously and told Allen i had to rush to my swimming practice.
it turned out that Kristine, who has a mom working as a nurse in the states, went there for a vacation and eventually arranged to proceed with her studies there. she went to L.A. to visit Christian. later on, as i tried to gather as much information about the issue as i could, i found out from a very reliable source that Kristine already had the hots for Chris even before i came in the picture--about 3 years back. on one of those party nights that Chris had at their college dorm, it was rumored that she drugged his drink and did the unimaginable and intentionally impregnated herself. what's funny is, they have same names.
after finding that out, i hurried to send him an email to ask him about everything. so in just about an hour, he called me up denying everything.
the girl by then was in Cebu and so i found ways to meet up with her. so we talked. and she admitted everything--how desperate she was, how much she loved him, and how much she envied me. when i first heard what happened, i was infuriated and planted this anger on Kristine that i wanted to just pull her hair and whatever but after hearing what she had to say, i saw how shattered she was. i felt compassion. i was empathetic and understood where she was coming from. she told me that Chris already knows about it and she was even hoping that he could at least acknowledge the baby. she even knew that he was still in love with me... for on that night when it happened, Chris was calling my name.
i was abhorred, indignant and just so disappointed with this man i loved. another case of Chris not telling me things. once again, all the confusion, the anger and the worry came back like a blast from the past. here i was torn between the word of my so-called beloved boyfriend and the testimonial of more than just four friends and the girl involved herself. i talked to him though, saying that it was alright, that someday, i will learn to accept it and forgive him for what happened. but Chris kept rejecting the idea of ever talking to Kristine to arrange something and vowed that he would never ever say that the baby was his own.
it appalled me that he can't at least see the kid and just do something for his son. so i realized that he didn't have enough kindness and soul that i needed in a guy. i knew it was over. enough with the lies and betrayal. i just couldn't risk it anymore.
so that, my friends, was the turning point of our fairy tale. i decided that he was not someone i could trust, not someone who'd be ready to take whatever responsibility he should hold. Kristine may have done it for selfish reasons but let's not forget that the baby didn't didn't have anything to do with what happened. he's an angel and for that, he has to be loved and be treated right. and that's something his father should be doing.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
years have passed and every now and then Chris would e-mail me. i'd seldom reply. the pain is like a nightmare that haunts me. i heard that til now, he still won't acknowledge the baby.
i never denied the fact that i was then in madly in love with him. Chris may have reasons for his actions and those are choices he himself made. it's better it all ended. i loved him, he loved me, but he's now just a part of my past and i've been long able to let it all go--including the love.
M M M M M M M
i keep thinking about you and i can't understand why. for about 3 years ago, we were mere strangers that lurked this planet and by some strange act of fate, we stumbled upon each other...the first time we met upfront was so strange to me. i was bored, and strangely exanimated bout my life. when the chance to meet this perfect stranger came, i was initially hesitant but ended up saying "oh what the heck?" after all that i've been through, there couldn't possibly be anything worse. for all i know, i might like this choice.i remember that night clearly. i stood in front of the office after receiving a message from you saying you just entered IT Park. a gray AUV pulled over. windows opened, and i caught a glimpse of that guy i've been textmates with for about a week. unsure of what to do, i glanced around the area as if expecting some suspicious eye calculating my every move and well, i knew that if anyone was watching, i would be best inside the heavily tinted vehicle just in case. and the door opened. knowing you were alone, i didn't think you'd be able to inflict any serious harm on me whatsoever should you have had the intention of doing so, right? kidding aside, that was how it all began...the moment i got in and got a closer look at you, it was all a bit unexpected. you mentioned then that you were Chinese and that you were chubby but i didn't know your eyes were indeed tiny and that you weren't exactly fat. i remember you warning me through text that you couldn't brag about your looks so i expected someone who looked horrible so i was pleasantly surprised. but any of it didn't really matter then coz i didn't have plans of going out on date no.2. i honestly thought i was gonna spoil that night before that thought could be entertained. it was clear, that with your chinky eyes and the car you drove, the phone you were busily toying with, the way your collar stood still around your neck, and with the scent of your car or perhaps your expensive perfume, that you were from a wealthy clan. after calculating all that, i secretly concluded: i'm definitely not going out with this guy again. you were beyond my league.after Christian, and all the other disappointing guys i've dated, i've learned an important lesson: the more they smelled like money, they're most likely to be jerks who'd only play with my emotions. i never wanna be tagged as a gold digger, a social climber or anything like that. it just so happens that the people i was friends with were quite up there in the social circle so it was but natural for me to meet people of their status quo. i do try to avoid mingling with that kind of people, but it's just inevitable that i get to be immersed in the world i didn't and don't belong to. life has been hard on me and my family and i certainly don't feel comfortable having to talk to a person who had no clue what it was like to need something that they usually just take for granted. and besides, men like yourself normally go out with women with flawless skin, silky shiny hair and dressed in fine couture, fashionably fit for any given occasion. i on the other hand, felt nothing like that. i've always been insecure as a child and i don't like reminding myself of the reasons why...moving on, i remember we were just driving around and i couldn't exactly recall what we did that night, where we went and the kind of conversation we were having. all i know is that i actually had a good time despite the premeditated failures that night. i was instantly comfortable with you. you were funny, charming and surprisingly down to earth. you didn't project this repulsive and overbearing picture that would instantly scare me off.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _oh well, i gotta sleep. i still have work in a few hours from now. i'll finish this later._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _but though i had a wonderful time with you, i didn't expect you to text me again nonetheless. i just knew that it isn't going to do me any good. i was probably just captivated by your charm and silly jokes, the refreshing new feeling of not being alone and nothing more. no point in going any further.no one knew about you and i was quite thankful that we didn't have common friends or acquaintances. but at that very point in my life, when all seemed to just crumble before me, Jeremy being with someone else, having to stop school and take this strange new job, my entire family against my decision to work and put studying to a pause, my friends all busy with school and things that did not in any way involve me--i was just too alone.on that very moment when i came to think of all that, you conveniently texted me and sent a simple forwarded message that probably traveled to a hundred cellphones before reaching yours. it was corky but really sweet. that single message became 2, 2 became 3 and so on. it was but expected that we were to meet again.weren't we talking about massages and how we both wanted to try it out? silly but that's a perfectly cheesy trick. but that night came and we both got caught up with each others' warmth... and so, it happened. to this very day, i don't know if i were to regret that night. perhaps, if it happened differently, if it happened at a later time or didn't happen at all, would everything still be the same?at first, to me it felt like answering to what my body was calling for. the dripping sweat from my forehead as we moved against each other in a rhythm so divine, the heat and the sweet, enticing feeling of your breath against my face-- it was addictive. the easy and comfortable feeling of being with you, to laugh and ignore the rest of the world was a paradise that i found in your company. i liked how you didn't have any clear idea of who i was or what i was and in the same way i didn't feel the urge to know anything more than what you told me about you and your life. it was intimacy with a friendly stranger.seeing you was like shifting to this person that eventually became the person that i am now. don't you know that you were the one who taught me how to be true to myself and be comfortable in my own skin? you somehow freed a huge part of me that longed to break loose. i wasn't being pretentious or fake with the friends that came before you but i had so many apprehensions and worries that i didn't want to scare off anyone. because of that mentality, people grew to like me for reasons far from the should-bes.you know what's so surprising? i've found out that i actually make more friends with who i really am than the person i try to be. attracting men was less of a task as well for somehow, this confidence emanates from the person in me.as things started to go so right within me, i found myself falling for you. it's amazing how you can make me so happy with your corny and green jokes... strangely enough, i couldn't stop, i couldn't hold it off. i knew that it wasn't right and such feelings would just all go to a waste-- and i was right but powerless at the same time.i tried dating other guys. i met this teacher who was top to toe a hottie and thought i've found the guy who'd make me turn my head away but in less than a month, we ended our relationship prematurely. nothing just felt right. there was too much tension from the pain we both felt from having to settle with each other and making this tremendous effort to build a new life but have only accomplished to shift from acquaintances to friends that never really became lovers.i had to see you again, i had to get back to where i was and retrieve my sanity that somehow ran away with the jerks i was i seeing. you kept me grounded and aware of what i was truly feeling. i was seeing my friend that with all effort, i was trying to avoid. it was so hard to do.it was tormenting, painful and hurtful for me to submit to silence and hide how i truly felt with you. i knew that i was starting to need you more than as a friend. but then again, i had to think. to forget you and move on or to tell you how i feel and pursue that feeling? which is which? to wait and think of which path to take was more agonizing...one night, i took all the courage i could muster and told you the truth... that i loved you. i loved you so much that i was willing to let it all go. i risked turning you off, i risked making myself look like a mess, a total fool who didn't know what i was saying. and yet at the same time i swore to get rid of that feeling so you wouldn't have to feel guilty nor at fault... you and i can't be together for reasons too painful for me to put to words. the only time that you and i could be right for each other is when we're completely alone together.and to do that, i had to stop everything.i had to stop talking to you... the frequent exchange of text messages, our chat sessions and occasional conversations over the phone all had to stop. needless to say, it was difficult and almost impossible for me to get used to. and you know what i did, to overcome that ordeal? i composed messages on my phone and even as an email that was intended for you and just sent it to myself, pretending that you've actually read it and chose to ignore it anyway. somehow trying to tell myself that you weren't interested in talking to me as well. but at the end of the day, i still sleep to the thought of you and what it would've beens...it was torture.but, after a few months, someone else came along. out of nowhere, someone so new, so different came my way. different in a way that none of the men i knew was like him. he was everything that i seem to have dreamed of-- uncomplicated, simple, intelligent, responsible and sweet. he had words that only contained kindness and keen understanding of what a girl like me would want to hear. everything happened so fast and soon, i was drawn to this void with him. and i thought that was it...it's been almost 3 years since i met Bert. i've learned to love him more than i ever did a man. he always made me feel cared for, important and happy. he made every effort to assure me that none of my flaws bothered him and that he accepts who i truly am. i look back and start to think, was he a God-given gift after all the pain that i went through? perhaps, but there's nothing constant in this world except change.eventually, things started to bother me as the relationship lengthened and supposedly "flourished". we've both struggled to keep it all intact despite the lingering possibilities of losing each other. even with our strong feelings and will to be together, the rest of the world was difficult to us. with who i am and the perfect person that he is, nothing was easy. as the flare started to die down, no tide was drawing me to him; only the opposite. he was already starting to lose me...the whole time, your presence lingered, inspite efforts of avoiding you. and the more i think about what's happening to my relationship, the more it became clear to me that i still loved you and i never stopped. but still, i held back, trying to make things work between us as casual friends knowing that i may be merely confused. a conflict in the mind of a hapless lover.but things went from a fairy tale to a recurring nightmare after my first trip to Japan. leaving was necessary and i could not take any other option. the distance and time have hardened our hearts hence hostility became a normal occurrence each week. the 2nd trip only made it worse. a test to the strength of whatever we shared and we failed. Bert and i finally broke up.it was again a complex episode of loving and letting go. so much pain, so much hurt to go through all over again. the memories and moments shared was a piercing thought that constantly bothered me.i was just thankful that the whole time, i wasn't completely alone. you were my shoulder to cry on, a firm hand holding me and assuring me that everything will be okay.but you know what? it was one of the happiest points in my life when i felt so free to see you, to be with you and to pretend that you were mine but never leaving the fact that it was all fictitious. i was cautious not to let myself get too carried away by the warmth and company you readily offered me for i knew that to you, you were just being a friend to this lonely heartbroken fool.after 3 months, after having to gruelingly sort out everything, Bert and i got back together. hoping that this time around, i'd finally focus myself to the goals we used to share and get back to where we left off. i thought this would put an end to the emptiness that i felt. i thought having him again will fill up that monstrous hole that seemed to consume everything that i am only to find myself wanting more... needing more... needing you.it's a constant argument that went on inside me, emotions fighting against each other, my logic demanding one thing and my feelings wanting another. i was with him, smiling and watching him hold my hand wherever we went but all the while wishing i was somewhere else. when i hear him whisper sweet nothings, i secretly wished that it all came from you...gradually, i grew to hate the feeling. i hated it and suffocated myself in the process. it choked every inch of me. i wanted to break free and just let go but there was no way i could abandon any of it. i was being unfair to him and he did not deserve this at all... i was cheating on him...as i look back, i realize that what really went wrong in our relationship, or yet, what was really wrong in the first place was because i loved you and i loved him at the same time...but who do i love most?in an effort to mimic that wonderful feeling that amused me, after coming back from Japan, i chose to let him go once again and chose to live and let be the love that i had for you. notwithstanding the fact that you could never, in any way reciprocate these emotions. you will continue to be there for me but you could never see me the way i see you. i could tell you i love you and you'd answer me with a smile. i could try to show you how i really feel but it would be nothing compared to the past love of your life. it's like competing against someone so perfect... concluding that I'm just not the right girl for you.perhaps, you do love me at a certain degree but it could never be enough for you to actually choose me. you're just too kind to totally turn me down and hurt me. and i understand fully the choices you have to make and your reasons for doing so. i don't demand anything from you but i only wish that i was stronger to withstand all of this._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _the tale will continue but for now, i'd like to settle with this and just wait til i couldn't bear it no more.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _oh well, i gotta sleep. i still have work in a few hours from now. i'll finish this later._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _but though i had a wonderful time with you, i didn't expect you to text me again nonetheless. i just knew that it isn't going to do me any good. i was probably just captivated by your charm and silly jokes, the refreshing new feeling of not being alone and nothing more. no point in going any further.no one knew about you and i was quite thankful that we didn't have common friends or acquaintances. but at that very point in my life, when all seemed to just crumble before me, Jeremy being with someone else, having to stop school and take this strange new job, my entire family against my decision to work and put studying to a pause, my friends all busy with school and things that did not in any way involve me--i was just too alone.on that very moment when i came to think of all that, you conveniently texted me and sent a simple forwarded message that probably traveled to a hundred cellphones before reaching yours. it was corky but really sweet. that single message became 2, 2 became 3 and so on. it was but expected that we were to meet again.weren't we talking about massages and how we both wanted to try it out? silly but that's a perfectly cheesy trick. but that night came and we both got caught up with each others' warmth... and so, it happened. to this very day, i don't know if i were to regret that night. perhaps, if it happened differently, if it happened at a later time or didn't happen at all, would everything still be the same?at first, to me it felt like answering to what my body was calling for. the dripping sweat from my forehead as we moved against each other in a rhythm so divine, the heat and the sweet, enticing feeling of your breath against my face-- it was addictive. the easy and comfortable feeling of being with you, to laugh and ignore the rest of the world was a paradise that i found in your company. i liked how you didn't have any clear idea of who i was or what i was and in the same way i didn't feel the urge to know anything more than what you told me about you and your life. it was intimacy with a friendly stranger.seeing you was like shifting to this person that eventually became the person that i am now. don't you know that you were the one who taught me how to be true to myself and be comfortable in my own skin? you somehow freed a huge part of me that longed to break loose. i wasn't being pretentious or fake with the friends that came before you but i had so many apprehensions and worries that i didn't want to scare off anyone. because of that mentality, people grew to like me for reasons far from the should-bes.you know what's so surprising? i've found out that i actually make more friends with who i really am than the person i try to be. attracting men was less of a task as well for somehow, this confidence emanates from the person in me.as things started to go so right within me, i found myself falling for you. it's amazing how you can make me so happy with your corny and green jokes... strangely enough, i couldn't stop, i couldn't hold it off. i knew that it wasn't right and such feelings would just all go to a waste-- and i was right but powerless at the same time.i tried dating other guys. i met this teacher who was top to toe a hottie and thought i've found the guy who'd make me turn my head away but in less than a month, we ended our relationship prematurely. nothing just felt right. there was too much tension from the pain we both felt from having to settle with each other and making this tremendous effort to build a new life but have only accomplished to shift from acquaintances to friends that never really became lovers.i had to see you again, i had to get back to where i was and retrieve my sanity that somehow ran away with the jerks i was i seeing. you kept me grounded and aware of what i was truly feeling. i was seeing my friend that with all effort, i was trying to avoid. it was so hard to do.it was tormenting, painful and hurtful for me to submit to silence and hide how i truly felt with you. i knew that i was starting to need you more than as a friend. but then again, i had to think. to forget you and move on or to tell you how i feel and pursue that feeling? which is which? to wait and think of which path to take was more agonizing...one night, i took all the courage i could muster and told you the truth... that i loved you. i loved you so much that i was willing to let it all go. i risked turning you off, i risked making myself look like a mess, a total fool who didn't know what i was saying. and yet at the same time i swore to get rid of that feeling so you wouldn't have to feel guilty nor at fault... you and i can't be together for reasons too painful for me to put to words. the only time that you and i could be right for each other is when we're completely alone together.and to do that, i had to stop everything.i had to stop talking to you... the frequent exchange of text messages, our chat sessions and occasional conversations over the phone all had to stop. needless to say, it was difficult and almost impossible for me to get used to. and you know what i did, to overcome that ordeal? i composed messages on my phone and even as an email that was intended for you and just sent it to myself, pretending that you've actually read it and chose to ignore it anyway. somehow trying to tell myself that you weren't interested in talking to me as well. but at the end of the day, i still sleep to the thought of you and what it would've beens...it was torture.but, after a few months, someone else came along. out of nowhere, someone so new, so different came my way. different in a way that none of the men i knew was like him. he was everything that i seem to have dreamed of-- uncomplicated, simple, intelligent, responsible and sweet. he had words that only contained kindness and keen understanding of what a girl like me would want to hear. everything happened so fast and soon, i was drawn to this void with him. and i thought that was it...it's been almost 3 years since i met Bert. i've learned to love him more than i ever did a man. he always made me feel cared for, important and happy. he made every effort to assure me that none of my flaws bothered him and that he accepts who i truly am. i look back and start to think, was he a God-given gift after all the pain that i went through? perhaps, but there's nothing constant in this world except change.eventually, things started to bother me as the relationship lengthened and supposedly "flourished". we've both struggled to keep it all intact despite the lingering possibilities of losing each other. even with our strong feelings and will to be together, the rest of the world was difficult to us. with who i am and the perfect person that he is, nothing was easy. as the flare started to die down, no tide was drawing me to him; only the opposite. he was already starting to lose me...the whole time, your presence lingered, inspite efforts of avoiding you. and the more i think about what's happening to my relationship, the more it became clear to me that i still loved you and i never stopped. but still, i held back, trying to make things work between us as casual friends knowing that i may be merely confused. a conflict in the mind of a hapless lover.but things went from a fairy tale to a recurring nightmare after my first trip to Japan. leaving was necessary and i could not take any other option. the distance and time have hardened our hearts hence hostility became a normal occurrence each week. the 2nd trip only made it worse. a test to the strength of whatever we shared and we failed. Bert and i finally broke up.it was again a complex episode of loving and letting go. so much pain, so much hurt to go through all over again. the memories and moments shared was a piercing thought that constantly bothered me.i was just thankful that the whole time, i wasn't completely alone. you were my shoulder to cry on, a firm hand holding me and assuring me that everything will be okay.but you know what? it was one of the happiest points in my life when i felt so free to see you, to be with you and to pretend that you were mine but never leaving the fact that it was all fictitious. i was cautious not to let myself get too carried away by the warmth and company you readily offered me for i knew that to you, you were just being a friend to this lonely heartbroken fool.after 3 months, after having to gruelingly sort out everything, Bert and i got back together. hoping that this time around, i'd finally focus myself to the goals we used to share and get back to where we left off. i thought this would put an end to the emptiness that i felt. i thought having him again will fill up that monstrous hole that seemed to consume everything that i am only to find myself wanting more... needing more... needing you.it's a constant argument that went on inside me, emotions fighting against each other, my logic demanding one thing and my feelings wanting another. i was with him, smiling and watching him hold my hand wherever we went but all the while wishing i was somewhere else. when i hear him whisper sweet nothings, i secretly wished that it all came from you...gradually, i grew to hate the feeling. i hated it and suffocated myself in the process. it choked every inch of me. i wanted to break free and just let go but there was no way i could abandon any of it. i was being unfair to him and he did not deserve this at all... i was cheating on him...as i look back, i realize that what really went wrong in our relationship, or yet, what was really wrong in the first place was because i loved you and i loved him at the same time...but who do i love most?in an effort to mimic that wonderful feeling that amused me, after coming back from Japan, i chose to let him go once again and chose to live and let be the love that i had for you. notwithstanding the fact that you could never, in any way reciprocate these emotions. you will continue to be there for me but you could never see me the way i see you. i could tell you i love you and you'd answer me with a smile. i could try to show you how i really feel but it would be nothing compared to the past love of your life. it's like competing against someone so perfect... concluding that I'm just not the right girl for you.perhaps, you do love me at a certain degree but it could never be enough for you to actually choose me. you're just too kind to totally turn me down and hurt me. and i understand fully the choices you have to make and your reasons for doing so. i don't demand anything from you but i only wish that i was stronger to withstand all of this._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _the tale will continue but for now, i'd like to settle with this and just wait til i couldn't bear it no more.
your crazy friends....
I don't exactly like drinking, getting tipsy and walking drunk but it's a state i prefer to be in when you hold me close. if i drank a little too much the pain isn't as intense as it is right now, as i sit alone in the darkness hugging my knees close. the bitter taste of alcohol somehow forms this protective skin around my heart making it a bit less affected of the reality that your breath against my skin is a temporary luxury to be enjoyed while it lasted. when you hold me then, all i need to do is submit to the miscalculated fantasies and i'm on cloud 9.but after all that, let's be honest to each other. you and i can live without the other. the reason i really stayed in the first place is the thought that above everyone else, i was the one who made you smile the widest, laugh the hardest, who made you feel at ease, the one who made you feel you needn't pretend to be anyone else but yourself--i thought you needed me. but maybe just maybe, on certain days, when the sun isn't shining on you, you might think of me and wish i was there. but the sun is often up and there's simply no need to call your friend. i guess i'm a fire hydrant: break glass in case of emergency. hahaha... funny how i can inject a little humor when i'm actually trying the best words to say goodbye.you're no different from the men who's been trying to win my heart right now. money has never been a question. none of them needed more of it. attitude, personality and inner beauty isn't really their point for improvement. when they look at the mirror, i bet they smile, grateful for what was bequeathed to them. but why you? clearly, i myself don't have any idea. i just know that when i'm close to you, you're the one who makes my heart beat the fastest, makes me smile a genuine smile, and laugh to my heart's content. i can be myself...i can't say goodbye just yet though because i'm just full of crap right now. know that i'd ask for space and just all of a sudden ask you to show up. i've always been so silly. when will i stop whining and worrying? you call it my OA moment and i wish i could end to all of that.hay, if you could only read all these silly scribbles, you'd be disgusted. if you, in some strange way get the URL for this blog, i hope you don't listen to what i'm saying here. i'm your crazy friend.
What Cebu Can Offers.......
Cebuanos celebrate life like no other. They strum their guitars and sing the "balitaw" when they're happy. They strum the guitar and sing the "harana" when they're sad. And when they pray, they dance!
It therefore comes as no surprise that the guitar is a prime product in Cebu which, quite naturally, has also produced a large share of the country's best musicians and master showmen.
The Cebuano's flair for showmanship and love for celebrations is manifested in the Sinulog, a colorful festival of pageant proportion observed every third Sunday of January.
Cebu is an anchor tourist destination and one of the 7,000 times more islands that make up the Philippine archipelago.
The Isle of Your Tropical Dreams
Cebu is the traveler's fantasy of a tropical island come true - balmy weather, pristine beaches, crystalline waters, and luxurious resorts with all the frills of modern living.
The island-province of Cebu was where the Portuguese navigator Ferdinand Magellan planted the Cross of Christianity in the name of Spain in 1521. But even before Cebu became the Occidental gateway to the Orient, it was already a popular entry point among Asian merchants.
Cebu has since blossomed into a choice tourist destination, with many leisure establishments taking full advantage of its sea-valley-and-mountain location.Metropolitan Cebu, the country's second biggest metropolis, is the political, economic, educational and cultural center of the Visayas. Hotels, shopping malls, entertainment halls, casinos and golf fairways are ever present in the metro to cater to every tourist's whim.
The rest of Cebu's 166 islands and islets are fringed with sandy beaches and sapphire-clear waters teeming with marine life, perfect for divers.
Fiesta Extravaganza
The fiesta is when life in these islands is celebrated in full pageantry, complete with a brilliant display of sights and sounds, scents and tastes. Cebu shows us how.The Sinulog is Cebu's biggest and showiest fiesta in honor of the Infant Jesus or Señor Santo Niño. In a choreographed movement, "tribes" clad in dazzling costumes hold aloft images of their tiny patron even as they simulate the natural rhythm of sea waves which brought the Holy Child to their shores. The prayer-dance is synchronized to the beat of drums and shouts of "Pit Señor! Viva Santo Niño!"The tribes wend through the city's major streets, starting early in the morning and stretching into early evening. A big entertainment roadshow and grand fireworks display bring to a close the celebration.The Kadaugan sa Mactan is a one-day pageant re-enacting the historic battle between the Magellan-led Spanish colonizers and the resisting natives led by Rajah Lapu-lapu. The festival is celebrated every April 27 in Lapu-lapu City at the beach area where the Portuguese voyager met his death.While the rest of Christendom observes Holy Week with somber rituals, fasting and abstinence, Bantayan Island makes an exception. The townspeople display their brand of folk Catholicism by feasting on roasted pig and then swimming at its white sand beaches after a religious procession. The Semana Santa is a movable feast between the months of March and April.The rustic town of Opon honors its patroness, Our Lady of Rule, with a fiesta from November 20 to 21.Guests take the occasion of the Feast of St. Catherine of Alexandria to visit the beautiful old town of Carcar which, aside from its splendid colonial architecture, also produces a number of Cebu's popular delicacies.In December, Cebu culminates its fiesta celebrations with the month-long Paskuhan, a festival of Christmas songs and lantern displays.
City Sights
Cebu takes pride in being the country's oldest colonial city. Many landmarks attest to the richness of its history.On April 14, 1521, Magellan planted a cross to mark the spot where some 800 natives - led by Rajah Humabon and his wife, Queen Juana - were baptized into the Catholic faith. The original cross is now encased in a hallow hardwood cross and can be found in a roofed kiosk along Magallanes Street.As a baptismal gift to Queen Juana, Magellan gave a black image of the Infant Child which, on April 27, 1565, managed to remain unscathed after a fire razed Cebu to the ground. The Basilica Minor del Santo Niño was built by Captain Miguel Lopez de Legaspi and Fr. Andres Urdaneta on the spot where the miraculous icon was found. The religious statue has since been enthroned in the basilica, with the original kept inside the convent and a replica enshrined at the church's side altar.From mainland Cebu, Magellan crossed the channel to the island of Mactan in an effort to spread Christianity. The chieftain Lapu-lapu, together with his warriors, resisted the attempt and killed Magellan as he reached the shore. A monument now marks the site.Fort San Pedro, located at Cebu City's wharf area, was the nucleus of the first Spanish settlement in the country. The fort has been turned into a museum-park.Colon, the country's oldest street, was built at the Parian or Chinese District. Located at the heart of downtown, it is a busy commercial center by day and a lively entertainment belt by night.The seat of the provincial government is an imposing building of pre-Pacific War vintage rising majestically along Osmeña Boulevard.Located at the center of the boulevard is Fuente Osmeña, named after Cebu's Grand Old Man, the late Commonwealth President Sergio Osmeña, Sr. A favorite strolling park among locals, the circular Fuente becomes even more alive in the evenings. Within the park is a skating rink.The University of San Carlos was established by the Dominican fathers on the site of the former Jesuit-run Colegio de San Ildefonso, originally founded in 1595. Its museum on P. del Rosario Street has an extensive collection of anthropological and biological artifacts.The Southwestern University Museum located on the Urgello Private Road, takes pride in its large collection of pre-colonial and colonial artifacts as well as its Filipiniana Research Center.Casa Gorordo, along Lopez Jaena Street, is the ancestral house of the first Bishop of Cebu and affords one a glimpse of affluent Cebuano lifestyle, circa 1800.The Jumalon Museum, Butterfly Sanctuary and Art Gallery in the Basak district was the private museum of the late lepidopterist Professor Julian Jumalon. His garden continues to be a haven to thousands of butterflies and his salon features mosaics made of butterfly wings.The Cebuano's Chinese heritage is very visible and one of the more popular destinations in the city is the Taoist Temple, located at the highest elevation of the Beverly Hills Subdivision.Devotees, meanwhile, go to the Heavenly Temple of Charity at the Peace Valley in the Lahug district.Yet another pilgrimage spot is the Celestial Garden where life-size replicas of the 14 Stations of the Cross are spread in a 12-hectare property within Banawa Hills.
City Lights
Evenings are hot in cool Cebu.
From downtown to uptown, Metropolitan Cebu comes even more alive as dusk sets in, with queues leading to music bars, discos and the casinos.Cebu is a premier entertainment center. Electric high tension fills the nightlife and patrons can't help but "shake those bodies" as they swing into the groove.
Island Adventure
For the island-hopper, Cebu is one exciting playground for daring expeditions.Aqua sports top the list of what to do. For scuba diving, the best dives are found in the islands of Mactan, Moalboal and Camotes. The calm waters surrounding Argao, Badian and Malapascua islands are ideal for kayaking.Because of its hilly terrain, mountain sports has created a following in Cebu. Rock climbing is excellent in Cantabaco and Malubog.For trekkers, the 908-meter high Mount Manunggal is a steady climb in the heat.Mountainbike your way up and down scenic Talamban. It takes less than a full day on the road, with plenty of stops along the way.The ecotourist will find Olango an ideal place for communing with nature. A wildlife sanctuary, the island supports the largest concentration of migratory birds in the country.For the golfer, the Cebu Country Club and the Alta Vista Golf and County Club are conveniently located in the metro, in Banilad and Pardo. There is also the Club Filipino Golf Course in Danao City, some 33 kilometers drive from Cebu City.
Island Flavors
Cosmopolitan Cebu is noted for its inexpensive gastronomy of many cuisines.Island flavors are fairly simple with meats and seafoods cooked three ways - marinated in vinegar, charbroiled or boiled - and then seasoned with condiments. Chinese and Spanish cookery are the strongest foreign influences in local cuisine.
It therefore comes as no surprise that the guitar is a prime product in Cebu which, quite naturally, has also produced a large share of the country's best musicians and master showmen.
The Cebuano's flair for showmanship and love for celebrations is manifested in the Sinulog, a colorful festival of pageant proportion observed every third Sunday of January.
Cebu is an anchor tourist destination and one of the 7,000 times more islands that make up the Philippine archipelago.
The Isle of Your Tropical Dreams
Cebu is the traveler's fantasy of a tropical island come true - balmy weather, pristine beaches, crystalline waters, and luxurious resorts with all the frills of modern living.
The island-province of Cebu was where the Portuguese navigator Ferdinand Magellan planted the Cross of Christianity in the name of Spain in 1521. But even before Cebu became the Occidental gateway to the Orient, it was already a popular entry point among Asian merchants.
Cebu has since blossomed into a choice tourist destination, with many leisure establishments taking full advantage of its sea-valley-and-mountain location.Metropolitan Cebu, the country's second biggest metropolis, is the political, economic, educational and cultural center of the Visayas. Hotels, shopping malls, entertainment halls, casinos and golf fairways are ever present in the metro to cater to every tourist's whim.
The rest of Cebu's 166 islands and islets are fringed with sandy beaches and sapphire-clear waters teeming with marine life, perfect for divers.
Fiesta Extravaganza
The fiesta is when life in these islands is celebrated in full pageantry, complete with a brilliant display of sights and sounds, scents and tastes. Cebu shows us how.The Sinulog is Cebu's biggest and showiest fiesta in honor of the Infant Jesus or Señor Santo Niño. In a choreographed movement, "tribes" clad in dazzling costumes hold aloft images of their tiny patron even as they simulate the natural rhythm of sea waves which brought the Holy Child to their shores. The prayer-dance is synchronized to the beat of drums and shouts of "Pit Señor! Viva Santo Niño!"The tribes wend through the city's major streets, starting early in the morning and stretching into early evening. A big entertainment roadshow and grand fireworks display bring to a close the celebration.The Kadaugan sa Mactan is a one-day pageant re-enacting the historic battle between the Magellan-led Spanish colonizers and the resisting natives led by Rajah Lapu-lapu. The festival is celebrated every April 27 in Lapu-lapu City at the beach area where the Portuguese voyager met his death.While the rest of Christendom observes Holy Week with somber rituals, fasting and abstinence, Bantayan Island makes an exception. The townspeople display their brand of folk Catholicism by feasting on roasted pig and then swimming at its white sand beaches after a religious procession. The Semana Santa is a movable feast between the months of March and April.The rustic town of Opon honors its patroness, Our Lady of Rule, with a fiesta from November 20 to 21.Guests take the occasion of the Feast of St. Catherine of Alexandria to visit the beautiful old town of Carcar which, aside from its splendid colonial architecture, also produces a number of Cebu's popular delicacies.In December, Cebu culminates its fiesta celebrations with the month-long Paskuhan, a festival of Christmas songs and lantern displays.
City Sights
Cebu takes pride in being the country's oldest colonial city. Many landmarks attest to the richness of its history.On April 14, 1521, Magellan planted a cross to mark the spot where some 800 natives - led by Rajah Humabon and his wife, Queen Juana - were baptized into the Catholic faith. The original cross is now encased in a hallow hardwood cross and can be found in a roofed kiosk along Magallanes Street.As a baptismal gift to Queen Juana, Magellan gave a black image of the Infant Child which, on April 27, 1565, managed to remain unscathed after a fire razed Cebu to the ground. The Basilica Minor del Santo Niño was built by Captain Miguel Lopez de Legaspi and Fr. Andres Urdaneta on the spot where the miraculous icon was found. The religious statue has since been enthroned in the basilica, with the original kept inside the convent and a replica enshrined at the church's side altar.From mainland Cebu, Magellan crossed the channel to the island of Mactan in an effort to spread Christianity. The chieftain Lapu-lapu, together with his warriors, resisted the attempt and killed Magellan as he reached the shore. A monument now marks the site.Fort San Pedro, located at Cebu City's wharf area, was the nucleus of the first Spanish settlement in the country. The fort has been turned into a museum-park.Colon, the country's oldest street, was built at the Parian or Chinese District. Located at the heart of downtown, it is a busy commercial center by day and a lively entertainment belt by night.The seat of the provincial government is an imposing building of pre-Pacific War vintage rising majestically along Osmeña Boulevard.Located at the center of the boulevard is Fuente Osmeña, named after Cebu's Grand Old Man, the late Commonwealth President Sergio Osmeña, Sr. A favorite strolling park among locals, the circular Fuente becomes even more alive in the evenings. Within the park is a skating rink.The University of San Carlos was established by the Dominican fathers on the site of the former Jesuit-run Colegio de San Ildefonso, originally founded in 1595. Its museum on P. del Rosario Street has an extensive collection of anthropological and biological artifacts.The Southwestern University Museum located on the Urgello Private Road, takes pride in its large collection of pre-colonial and colonial artifacts as well as its Filipiniana Research Center.Casa Gorordo, along Lopez Jaena Street, is the ancestral house of the first Bishop of Cebu and affords one a glimpse of affluent Cebuano lifestyle, circa 1800.The Jumalon Museum, Butterfly Sanctuary and Art Gallery in the Basak district was the private museum of the late lepidopterist Professor Julian Jumalon. His garden continues to be a haven to thousands of butterflies and his salon features mosaics made of butterfly wings.The Cebuano's Chinese heritage is very visible and one of the more popular destinations in the city is the Taoist Temple, located at the highest elevation of the Beverly Hills Subdivision.Devotees, meanwhile, go to the Heavenly Temple of Charity at the Peace Valley in the Lahug district.Yet another pilgrimage spot is the Celestial Garden where life-size replicas of the 14 Stations of the Cross are spread in a 12-hectare property within Banawa Hills.
City Lights
Evenings are hot in cool Cebu.
From downtown to uptown, Metropolitan Cebu comes even more alive as dusk sets in, with queues leading to music bars, discos and the casinos.Cebu is a premier entertainment center. Electric high tension fills the nightlife and patrons can't help but "shake those bodies" as they swing into the groove.
Island Adventure
For the island-hopper, Cebu is one exciting playground for daring expeditions.Aqua sports top the list of what to do. For scuba diving, the best dives are found in the islands of Mactan, Moalboal and Camotes. The calm waters surrounding Argao, Badian and Malapascua islands are ideal for kayaking.Because of its hilly terrain, mountain sports has created a following in Cebu. Rock climbing is excellent in Cantabaco and Malubog.For trekkers, the 908-meter high Mount Manunggal is a steady climb in the heat.Mountainbike your way up and down scenic Talamban. It takes less than a full day on the road, with plenty of stops along the way.The ecotourist will find Olango an ideal place for communing with nature. A wildlife sanctuary, the island supports the largest concentration of migratory birds in the country.For the golfer, the Cebu Country Club and the Alta Vista Golf and County Club are conveniently located in the metro, in Banilad and Pardo. There is also the Club Filipino Golf Course in Danao City, some 33 kilometers drive from Cebu City.
Island Flavors
Cosmopolitan Cebu is noted for its inexpensive gastronomy of many cuisines.Island flavors are fairly simple with meats and seafoods cooked three ways - marinated in vinegar, charbroiled or boiled - and then seasoned with condiments. Chinese and Spanish cookery are the strongest foreign influences in local cuisine.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
It's Over...
Here's what she texted me moments ago: "Since d tym na gepafEel nimu naq h0w stUPID i am that i'd gvn u my love and everything i'd gvn u, nawala na totaly aqong brestfwend."How do you think will i feel? I'm on the floor on my knees already. It hurts.. I'm the one who is looking stupid, not her.. She's the one who left, and now she's the one blaming me. Wow mitch, nyc job..Did i asked for her love and everything she gave me??? nope, i did not. As far as i am concerned, what i did with her are all by heart. . . And after all that happened between me and her, she left me hanging on the air.. And she's telling me that i made her feel like she's stupid?? What a joke that was.. I was the one being left, not her.. And then she told me to leave her to suffer.. How can I??? How can i do such thing to the one i love??/ Is she Kidding??? No way Mitch, i can't just let u suffer that way.. I'm just a text away.. Believe me when i say that I LOve You.. T_T_T_T_T_T
Still the One...
Man oh man... She is Still the ONE..No matter what I do, I still love her.. I really gave her a combo punch earlier this day. I was really guilty right now. I told her that she's a liar. I told her that all she said and told me are all lies.. Man, i know she was hurt that time. I wish i could undo it.I was just really hurt. I was not thinking what i was doing then. Deep inside, i know she's so honest to me(she's even more honest to me than her bf). And deep inside, i trust her a lot. Sooooo much. I know the damage is done, but i want to let her know that i meant nothing when i told her that she was lying all along. MITCh, if you're reading right now, read this by heart:I LOVE YOUNOW I KNOW, that di na au ka katoo ani coz' of what i did, coz' i have been hurting u a lot. It's ok, i can't blame you.. Simply, I LOVE YOU Mommy Kowwww. By heart and By soul, i honestly do.. T_T... Forgive me please..She texted me just a while ago and said that Ken took care of her ganina. I could have done the same thing if I was there, but that's not the case. Right now, i don't have any authority or right on her. She took it all away. She has a fever right now, and what i did is just made it worse. As what i said, i did not mean it. Everyday tears me apart. I miss her a lot. But i don't think she misses me. She must be hating me right now already. She's so happy with him right now. I know she's not hurt when she made her decision. She's just hurt because of the words i had thrown at her. Well, that's what i think.. Bottomline is, i love her sooo much. God knows it. and i hope she does.. T_T...Maybe something has happened between her and her bf already or maybe will happen one of these days. I'm not ready for it yet. I was so guilty right now of doing "the thing" with her back then. I really don't want her to let go. I want to protect her. I don't want her to land to another guy actually. I don't know if she's even considering this thing. She's not even honest with her bf. And i for one, don't have a plan to let the people know what had happened to us. I'm not that desperate to do such thing. Only my cousin knows it. I pray that one day, she'll be back in my arms. She might be thinking that I'm just after her body, but I'm not. I love her with all my heart. And maybe it's wrong to say "please love me too". I don't know if this is wrong, but i think i know to whom she should belong. Please come back my. please... I'll love you more than ever... You know what i am capable of if you are just beside me.. Without you, you know I'm gonna fail in many things.. I need you in my life.. And i don't know if you mean that "i need you" thing, coz' if you really do, you'll come back to me... I'll make things right again if you'll give me another chance. I'll be a better man. .. Mommy, please... T_T
The Awakening-part 1
skip to main skip to sidebar
Writings on the Wall
-stories that yet to be written-
Saturday, May 5, 2007
Chapter 1: the Awakening part 2
While he was strolling through the City park which he usually do, he saw his bestfriend whose name is Miguel. They have been bestfriends as long i could remember.Nike didnt' hesitate to tell Miguel about his disturbing dream. Miguel comforted Nike that it was simply a dream and he said that don't worry about it. It will pass. After that conversation, Another thing was in Nike's mind and he wanted to tell it to Miguel.Nike said with a little shame in his face "Miguel, i have something to tell you.."Miguel replied with a soft smile "What is it?Nike said "I have feelings for y...."As Nike was about to say the last and awaited word, he fainted mysteriously to the cold and cemented floor infront of his bestfriend. This was no mere faint for i could say.In the world of unconsciousness, Nike was alone in this white plane of nothingness then, like a fast gushing wind, ruins of an archaic city revealed themselves. In the streets of the city where he was, far from him, he saw a tower ,that would seem like it could overlook the whole city, that lied on a unclear and misty huge structure and on the highest leve of the tower, there was a gentle yet eluminating glow.He was attracted by it through curiousity. As he slowly approach it through the city's streets and just giving glances to the buildings and in some tendency, he could see the street and everything return to its beautiful state. Everything was beautiful. All of the plants' blossoms was so captivating that near or far, they can be seen. The architectural details of each building was unique if to be compared by other civilizations of the past. The people was joyous and happy. Their clothing were like robes but their robes too were unique. They looked softer than the finest of silk in the world and almost at the point, when blown by the wind, it had the movement of that of water. Then in a blink of an eye, everything returned to its destroyed and lost state. He reached a place that would seemed to be a garden and a huge one it was. This garden was right before the huge structure where the tower lied. But then, looking once again at the tower, there was a sudden burst of light which awaken Nike from unconsciousness..
Writings on the Wall
-stories that yet to be written-
Saturday, May 5, 2007
Chapter 1: the Awakening part 2
While he was strolling through the City park which he usually do, he saw his bestfriend whose name is Miguel. They have been bestfriends as long i could remember.Nike didnt' hesitate to tell Miguel about his disturbing dream. Miguel comforted Nike that it was simply a dream and he said that don't worry about it. It will pass. After that conversation, Another thing was in Nike's mind and he wanted to tell it to Miguel.Nike said with a little shame in his face "Miguel, i have something to tell you.."Miguel replied with a soft smile "What is it?Nike said "I have feelings for y...."As Nike was about to say the last and awaited word, he fainted mysteriously to the cold and cemented floor infront of his bestfriend. This was no mere faint for i could say.In the world of unconsciousness, Nike was alone in this white plane of nothingness then, like a fast gushing wind, ruins of an archaic city revealed themselves. In the streets of the city where he was, far from him, he saw a tower ,that would seem like it could overlook the whole city, that lied on a unclear and misty huge structure and on the highest leve of the tower, there was a gentle yet eluminating glow.He was attracted by it through curiousity. As he slowly approach it through the city's streets and just giving glances to the buildings and in some tendency, he could see the street and everything return to its beautiful state. Everything was beautiful. All of the plants' blossoms was so captivating that near or far, they can be seen. The architectural details of each building was unique if to be compared by other civilizations of the past. The people was joyous and happy. Their clothing were like robes but their robes too were unique. They looked softer than the finest of silk in the world and almost at the point, when blown by the wind, it had the movement of that of water. Then in a blink of an eye, everything returned to its destroyed and lost state. He reached a place that would seemed to be a garden and a huge one it was. This garden was right before the huge structure where the tower lied. But then, looking once again at the tower, there was a sudden burst of light which awaken Nike from unconsciousness..
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Saturday, November 10, 2007
GIRLFRIENDS!
These days, I find myself constantly in the company of my sorority sisters, my girl best friends. Since Rockstar finally exited my life with a simple "Goodbye, kid.", I can never be more relieved that they're there for me to talk to. The breakup wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but then again, he's been conditioning my mind for the last few months. The breakup was imminent, of course. It was just a matter of when. When he last came over, i noticed him staring at me for a long time. By then, I already knew what he was trying to do. It's time.And so, I called my girlfriends to work on this Valentine project due on the 12th. I wanted to occupy myself as much as possible. Since then, it's been endless trips to the mall, buying stuff and trying on clothes, late dinners and coffee stops. Endless conversation. Comfort. Love.Even though almost all of us are single, we never succumbed to Valentine's commercialism. We decided to spend the day altogether.
Girlfriends + booze + good conversation = sure beats a date with a guy!
Girlfriends + booze + good conversation = sure beats a date with a guy!
Goodbye "M"
Did I disappoint you or let you down?Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.So I took what's mine by eternal right.Took your soul out into the night.It may be over but it won't stop there,I am here for you if you'd only care.You touched my heart you touched my soul.You changed my life and all my goals.And love is blind and that I knew when,My heart was blinded by you.I've kissed your lips and held your head.Shared your dreams and shared your bed.I know you well, I know your smell.I've been addicted to you.Goodbye my lover.Goodbye my friend.You have been the one.You have been the one for me.I am a dreamer but when I wake,You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.And as you move on, remember me,Remember us and all we used to beI've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.I've watched you sleeping for a while.I'd be the mother* of your child.I'd spend a lifetime with you.I know your fears and you know mine.We've had our doubts but now we're fine,And I love you, I swear that's true.I cannot live without you.Goodbye my lover.Goodbye my friend.You have been the one.You have been the one for me.And I still hold your hand in mine.In mine when I'm asleep.And I will bear my soul in time,When I'm kneeling at your feet.Goodbye my lover.Goodbye my friend.You have been the one.You have been the one for me.I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.
Tigas Ulo!
Tsk tsk. Filipino men are so... lame. Fine. Not everybody, but most of those who answered to my Wanted BF ad came up pretty weak. The thing is, they never really answered to it. While most foreigners brazenly YM'd me, claiming that they fit the bill, these Filipino men, feeling suave, could only muster one generic intro line: "Hi. You're interesting..."Oh please. I swear, without bias, hope or agenda, all of them said that exact same thing. Which is so. effin'. lame!!!My number one requirement was C.O.N.F.I.D.E.N.C.E. And very much Pinoy as they are, most did not respect my rule: Not to contact me if they are in any way lacking or if they do not qualify at all.And most did not, but since they think they could probably get a good lay out of me, took the easy way out: paging me on my YM, thinking they could talk their way in.For one, there was this guy who tried to charm his way in by being Casanova, sputtering lines so cliche' like, "I could have been the one that got away..." that I simply had to tell him that I just wasn't impressed nor receptive. I told him he didn't make an impression on me and that he was boring me. And you know what he said after I told him that? "Oh, I am not applying, by the way..."I didn't know if I wanted to laugh or hurl something at him.I'm ranting like this because I am pissed at these guys who simply don't get it. My rules are simple. Sorry, dahlings. I might come on too strong or sound too cocky, but I just don't compromise. I know what I want. And some of you just dont have it. So live with it.And to those who qualified, you know who you are. I'm still talking to you, aren't I? That's a good thing. A very good thing.
I'm Busted!
You, my dear readers, are soooo fuckin busted. YOU JUST SKIM OVER MY ENTRIES!Hmph.Goes to show you (okay, some got it, but MOST OF YOU) didn't really read. Gah.I am sooo not pregnant. Pardon my disillusionment, but no, I can't forgive you to be a voyeur of my life and not really knowing (or reading, for that matter) what I'm all about. Hmph. *pout pout*I've been receiving messages and emails and what not's, congratulating me. Sigh. I can't believe you guys...tsk tsk.So I've been keeping myself busy lately. July has rolled around, and I don't feel like turning 26 on the 25th *hint hint*. Seriously though, I keep insisting I am a kid, and I oftentimes act like one and whenever I am reminded of THE date, I just wish I could put a stop at it. Can I just be 17 forever? Cos when I was 17, my dad gave me the most precious gift he could possibly give me: freedom. When I was 17, I got into my beloved sorority and really learned how to enjoy college. I had men wrapped around my finger, oh my god, it was such a high to be a woman-child at that precocious time. I promised myself that I wouldn't be a virgin when I turned 18, so I got that one pretty much covered a few months before my birthday. Bitch Goddess Junior is turning 17 soon, and just looking at her and her giggly, Paris Hilton-smelling posse just reminds me how I was way ahead than my peers when I was her age. Sure, we talked about boys during jammy parties, painted our toenails silly and tried to sneak out at night to watch Eraserheads. But I always knew I was wiser; I was an old soul. I'm lamenting. Sigh. I know, I will get reactions like, "Hey, you're still young! 26 is not so bad. It gets bad when you're 40." RIGHT. That is, if I get to live till 40. I highly doubt that. :)Okay dahlings, this is just a light and silly one. Bitch Goddess not accepting she's getting old.Ta ta.
Truth is.......
I apologize for neglecting this blog; even in my frenzied state, there were moments when I could have written, but I kept putting it off. Now that one account is finished, I found myself to be idle. And in that idleness, I panicked. I've been so used to burying myself in work, obvious to others that this is my way of moving on, that I don't know how it is to be idle. I was suddenly not doing anything. There was a moment of silence...and then the demons in my head started to talk.I'm fine, really. I just hate being idle. I want to work. Before doing so, I need to address something.One reader comments:
You wanna know the reason why you always end up with the wrong men and you seem to always land on those shittiest guys girl?It's because you're spoiled, you have too much air in yourself, and you overvalue your own worth.To you you may think that you're beautiful, seductive, witty, and all those things, but to the normal guy who has simple dreams of family and children, you are a disease to be ignored and if need be avoided.To most loser-males' eyes, you are nothing but a sex object. You have portrayed yourself as such and such will you be taken. A mere sex object, a toy, to be discarded once the initial thrill has passed.You think you are mature, but to be honest with you, you have the mind of a 14 year old brat who seems to be just coming of age. If you truly had any semblance of maturity, then you will try to patch the pieces of your life and take a detour to what's right and just.You want to be respected and loved. Treat yourself as such. You want a man with honor and decency, who will uphold your dignity as a woman, wife and mother. Then start with yourself by removing those bitch lifestyle that you have. You want children who will cherish you and grandchildren who will cuddle next to you and lovingly call you Lola. Then start by doing what is good and just.I do hope in your heart you still have the wisdom to see what is right.Normally, I ignore comments on this blog. I get flak all the fuckin time, I'm so used to it. I would like to believe that the one who wrote this is bitter, terribly bitter. For some reason, his writing style is so familiar and similar to the emails I received in my inbox from this guy I turned down for being so, erm, "assuming" and "feeling close". I could be wrong. It doesn't matter.Now, you bitter man, actually caught my attention. Woohoo. However, I cringe at the word "disease". Surely, I can't be THAT bad? I'm quite positive that there are a few who agree with this guy and I don't mind, really. If there's one flaw I have, it's being too understanding and accepting. Okay, so that's two. Seriously, because I understand where this guy is coming from, I won't give him crap for it. But I need to say something in my own defense, and perhaps of other women as well who copiously enjoy this lifestyle.The truth, bitter man, is that I dream of children and of a quiet life in the hills of Tuscany, where I can grow my own to-mah-toes and basil. I dream of a quiet wedding by the prairie, and no matter how hippie it can get, I want to be barefoot in my own wedding. Truth is, I dream of being a soccer mom, of shuffling my kids from school to ballet class, music class, soccer, whatever. I dream of being a good wife, greeting my husband with a blowjob as soon as he arrives home. BUT, I have long accepted that I cannot conceive, that marriage is not for me as men are dogs and they will need variety at certain points in their lives. I am meant to be alone. I will, however, have lovers. I need love to live, no matter how make-believe it is. I will never belong to anyone.I am an old soul, I belong to the old world. You'd be actually surprised if you talk to me. Most who found themselves talking to me could attest to this. I am actually nice. I am not an immature 14-year-old sex object as you think I am, in fact, you would actually wish YOU were single and YOU don't have a 14-year-old daughter. There's something about this blog that projects me as how you would like to perceive me. I won't even bother to correct that perception. That's the fun part, proving you guys wrong.So, bitter man, what does it mean to do what is "good and just"? Does it mean chasing after my dreams? But after the premises I gave you, it is quite obvious that it is simply impossible. Then this blog will have to close, and when that happens, that only means one thing: I AM indeed living my dream.Surely you don't want that to happen? You, bitter man, who find yourself reading this? But I am your only guilty pleasure. I won't take that away from you. I told you, I'm nice.
You wanna know the reason why you always end up with the wrong men and you seem to always land on those shittiest guys girl?It's because you're spoiled, you have too much air in yourself, and you overvalue your own worth.To you you may think that you're beautiful, seductive, witty, and all those things, but to the normal guy who has simple dreams of family and children, you are a disease to be ignored and if need be avoided.To most loser-males' eyes, you are nothing but a sex object. You have portrayed yourself as such and such will you be taken. A mere sex object, a toy, to be discarded once the initial thrill has passed.You think you are mature, but to be honest with you, you have the mind of a 14 year old brat who seems to be just coming of age. If you truly had any semblance of maturity, then you will try to patch the pieces of your life and take a detour to what's right and just.You want to be respected and loved. Treat yourself as such. You want a man with honor and decency, who will uphold your dignity as a woman, wife and mother. Then start with yourself by removing those bitch lifestyle that you have. You want children who will cherish you and grandchildren who will cuddle next to you and lovingly call you Lola. Then start by doing what is good and just.I do hope in your heart you still have the wisdom to see what is right.Normally, I ignore comments on this blog. I get flak all the fuckin time, I'm so used to it. I would like to believe that the one who wrote this is bitter, terribly bitter. For some reason, his writing style is so familiar and similar to the emails I received in my inbox from this guy I turned down for being so, erm, "assuming" and "feeling close". I could be wrong. It doesn't matter.Now, you bitter man, actually caught my attention. Woohoo. However, I cringe at the word "disease". Surely, I can't be THAT bad? I'm quite positive that there are a few who agree with this guy and I don't mind, really. If there's one flaw I have, it's being too understanding and accepting. Okay, so that's two. Seriously, because I understand where this guy is coming from, I won't give him crap for it. But I need to say something in my own defense, and perhaps of other women as well who copiously enjoy this lifestyle.The truth, bitter man, is that I dream of children and of a quiet life in the hills of Tuscany, where I can grow my own to-mah-toes and basil. I dream of a quiet wedding by the prairie, and no matter how hippie it can get, I want to be barefoot in my own wedding. Truth is, I dream of being a soccer mom, of shuffling my kids from school to ballet class, music class, soccer, whatever. I dream of being a good wife, greeting my husband with a blowjob as soon as he arrives home. BUT, I have long accepted that I cannot conceive, that marriage is not for me as men are dogs and they will need variety at certain points in their lives. I am meant to be alone. I will, however, have lovers. I need love to live, no matter how make-believe it is. I will never belong to anyone.I am an old soul, I belong to the old world. You'd be actually surprised if you talk to me. Most who found themselves talking to me could attest to this. I am actually nice. I am not an immature 14-year-old sex object as you think I am, in fact, you would actually wish YOU were single and YOU don't have a 14-year-old daughter. There's something about this blog that projects me as how you would like to perceive me. I won't even bother to correct that perception. That's the fun part, proving you guys wrong.So, bitter man, what does it mean to do what is "good and just"? Does it mean chasing after my dreams? But after the premises I gave you, it is quite obvious that it is simply impossible. Then this blog will have to close, and when that happens, that only means one thing: I AM indeed living my dream.Surely you don't want that to happen? You, bitter man, who find yourself reading this? But I am your only guilty pleasure. I won't take that away from you. I told you, I'm nice.
something about me!
I tagged myself. It's contagious. You read another person's blog, and you feel like doing the same thing too. Happens all the time. Anyway, i can't help it. So indulge me. :)ABOUT YOURSELFEye color: Dark brownHair color: Dark BlackPiercing: Two (ears and tongue)Tattoos: NoneBoyfriend/Girlfriend: None. There's gotta be somebody out there, right?Overused phrase: Right. (sarcastic tone)FAVORITESFood: Italian. Pesto pasta, pizza. Pepper steak. Lays' (sour cream and onion). Teehee.Candy: Ritter (white), TrufflesNumber: 1Color: Red. Duh, isn't it obvious?Animal: Cats. White ones.Drink: Diet cokeAlcoholic drink: VodkaLetter: ABody part of opposite sex: Loins. Sexxxy.THIS OR THATPepsi or Coke: Diet CokeMcDonalds or Jollibee: Jollibee hands down.Strawberry or watermelon: StrawberryHot tea or iced tea: Hot peppermint teaChocolate or vanilla: Chocolate when I need to perk myself up, Vanilla as a base for my experiments.Hot chocolate or coffee: Hot chocolateKiss or hug: KissDog or cat: CATS hands downRap or punk: PunkSummer or rainy season: Rainy season. I just wanna curl up in bed and feel lazy.Scary movies or funny movies: Funny. You CANT make me watch scary movies. I'd be covering my eyes the entire time.YOUR…Bedtime: 4 amMost missed memory: Getting stoned and laughing so hard with my three roommates in UPLB.Best physical feature: Eyes and mouthFirst thought after waking up: "Did I win that bag on eBay???"Goal for this year: Be emotionally stable.Weakness: My nephew, Matthew, bags, TrufflesFears: Drowning (cos I don't know how to swim )HAVE YOU…Ever drank: Duh, yeah.Ever smoked: Occasionally. Trying to quit now.Ever been drunk: Uh, yeah.Ever been kissed: ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!Ever been in love: Barely, but yes. I am, indeed, capable of loving.IN A GUYFavorite eye color: Blue. Sigh. Wish ko lang. Haha. Anything. Doesn't matter.Favorite hair color: Brownish-tawnishShort or long hair: Bald, long, or cut right. Height: Above 5'7"Style: Extremes. I like em rockin' and I like em clean and smart. No slobs, please.Looks or personality: Personality, hands down.Hot or cute: Hotttt. You gotta make me wettttDrugs and alcohol: Uhm... hehehe. Don't make me answer this one.Muscular or skinny: I hate skinny guys, and I get really uncomfortable with muscular ones. Especially when they start flexing. Oh dear. RANDOMS:Number of regrets in the past: 3 (1, my first sexual encounter. wrong choice. 2, academic pursuits. 3, some guy I shouldn't have hooked up with)What country do you want to visit: Italy! Santorini, Greece!How do you want to die: Intoxicated, knocked out, or in a coma. Do you like thunderstorms: NoHealth freak: Yes. I'm being careful now. Somebody taught me to take Vitamin C and lots of water everyday. I miss that someone. Do you think you're attractive: Hahhahahahahahaha. Do I really have to answer that? Hahahahahhaha.Believe in yourself: Hahahahahhahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. And I've been getting sooo much flak for doing so!Do you smoke: Yes, occasionally. Hasn't this been asked already?Do you drink: Yes, occasionally. This one, too!Shower daily: Twice.Been in love: Yesss. Do you sing: Yes. And I think I sing good, especially if I got a goooood mic :)Do you dance: Yes!Want to get married: Yes, but not possible. Refer to my previous entry.Want to have kids: Yes, but I can't. Again, refer to my previous entry.Age to lose virginity: Huh? Age I LOST it, you mean? Hang on, is this whole trivia thing from a teeny bopper slumbook?! Well, so, yeah, a couple of weeks before I turned 18. Do you hate anyone: Uhm, no...I actually don't. Wow.
Broken Promise to my Classmates in MA'HAD!
I noticed that I write between finished accounts and new ones. I simply cannot distract myself during an ongoing project. Perhaps that's just how I operate. Like a horse.Lately though, I have been in such a lull that it took me quite some time to snap out of it. Spacing out between meetings, sleeping late, staring at the blank screen, picking on food, no drive at all. I was beginning to be pissed at myself for being unproductive, but no matter how I drag myself from one meeting to another, conduct brainstorming sessions, I still preferred to lay down and sleep. Sure, we do get tired sometimes, and we should allow ourselves to rest for a moment or two, to take a breath and calm ourselves when things don't pan out the way you wanted it to. When situations or people disappoint us, it takes a while to get over it. Recently, I had a growing share of people promising things but not fulfilling their end of the bargain. I don't bother going after them anymore. I learned my lesson not to humiliate myself that way. Let them be. Let karma take care of them, I always thought.When I lost a recent lover to natural circumstances, I was in a state of denial that thinking about him was not an option, and that work was my refuge, even my strength. While most of us succumb to depression, I didn't. I thought I was done with love, and that I never really loved him anyway; he was just someone who happened to be there. I cannot afford to be weak. Many people depend on me, and I cannot ignore my responsibilities.I was at a Funeral Home visiting a friend whose father died when I heard a loud wail coming from the other room. I had a phone call to make and stepped outside. A new body was being laid to rest in the other room, and a trail of family members followed the coffin being placed in the room's center. I proceeded to make the call, and was about to head back when I heard whispers from the old ladies. Suicide. Boyfriend. Young. Seventeen. He left her. Pregnant.I looked up in their direction and saw a huge portrait of a very young, beautiful girl being set up near the coffin. That's all I needed to know to make out her story. I felt my knees buckle and my heart swell and before my parents saw me, I rushed to the car and locked myself in and cried.
I cannot be that girl. I am not weak. I am not weak. So he fucked me over. He broke his promise. But who am I to keep him? I'm not exactly sure if I miss the person; I think I miss the routine more. Of talking until I fall asleep, exhausted, and waking up to find him still there. Of being reminded to take water and Vitamin C's everyday. Or being sung Happy Birthday to in the middle of the airport terminal before boarding flight, and the weekly bouquet of roses. And because he saw right through me, and fulfilled all my wishes and secret dreams unknowingly, I grew rather fond of him. He took care of me. He really, really took care of me. What I didn't know was that I was in deeper than I thought I was. I was prepared for such a loss, always have been. But I never learned to grieve properly. Not until now.
I cannot be that girl. I am not weak. I am not weak. So he fucked me over. He broke his promise. But who am I to keep him? I'm not exactly sure if I miss the person; I think I miss the routine more. Of talking until I fall asleep, exhausted, and waking up to find him still there. Of being reminded to take water and Vitamin C's everyday. Or being sung Happy Birthday to in the middle of the airport terminal before boarding flight, and the weekly bouquet of roses. And because he saw right through me, and fulfilled all my wishes and secret dreams unknowingly, I grew rather fond of him. He took care of me. He really, really took care of me. What I didn't know was that I was in deeper than I thought I was. I was prepared for such a loss, always have been. But I never learned to grieve properly. Not until now.
Thursday, November 8, 2007
Fools!
I just ran across this on a conservative group on Facebook:
Gay marriage should not be legalized. It will only undermine the meaning of the family. It will not only harm their children (they may adopt), but will also lower marriage rates, cause more instability in the marriages that are enacted, more fatherless children, increase rates of domestic violence and poverty, and a vast expansion of welfare state expenses.It makes some sense at the beginning, but then degenerates into gibberish. What the fuck? How could allowing more marriages lower marriage rates? Presumably they mean allowing gay marriage would lower straight marriage rates. How would that work, unless they mean that gay men won't marry their beards anymore? So, are they saying that sham marriages are a good thing? But this is my favorite: How could gay marriage possibly increase rates of domestic violence and poverty?! That is a bogeyman if ever I saw one. And a non-sequitur to boot. Why don't they just go ahead and say what they are thinking...if we allow gay marriage, Lucifer himself will be belched out of the cesspit of immorality that is Massachussetts and consume the good Christian people of the Red States.If half our country didn't believe shit like this, it would almost be funny.
Gay marriage should not be legalized. It will only undermine the meaning of the family. It will not only harm their children (they may adopt), but will also lower marriage rates, cause more instability in the marriages that are enacted, more fatherless children, increase rates of domestic violence and poverty, and a vast expansion of welfare state expenses.It makes some sense at the beginning, but then degenerates into gibberish. What the fuck? How could allowing more marriages lower marriage rates? Presumably they mean allowing gay marriage would lower straight marriage rates. How would that work, unless they mean that gay men won't marry their beards anymore? So, are they saying that sham marriages are a good thing? But this is my favorite: How could gay marriage possibly increase rates of domestic violence and poverty?! That is a bogeyman if ever I saw one. And a non-sequitur to boot. Why don't they just go ahead and say what they are thinking...if we allow gay marriage, Lucifer himself will be belched out of the cesspit of immorality that is Massachussetts and consume the good Christian people of the Red States.If half our country didn't believe shit like this, it would almost be funny.
What A Small World!
I had just gotten on the bus to Zamboanga and was still shaking my head at the fact that I was brow-beat into tipping some random guy for something I would have rather he NOT have done (run off with my bag and throw it on the train where he thought I should sit; he wasn't even an employee of the railway and I thought he was robbing me). He just stood there waiting for me to give him money, and even though we were still in Budapest he got upset that I didn't have euros to give him. And he got more upset when I only gave him the equivalent of one euro. "Too small, too small," he said. You all know I am a good tipper, so I don't mind paying what services are worth when I want them. But I felt like telling him to go fuck himself. Instead I gave him more money. Anyway, I had finally settled down and was reading about Vienna when there was this high pitched shriek right outside my little cabin, "FAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAaD." I nearly had a heart attack. The other people nearby in the train literally ducked for cover. It was the girl who lived below me in my freshman college dorm, and was one of my best friends at school. She was there with her parents, who I also knew (I went to her younger sister's Quinceanera, among other things) so after my friend stopped bouncing up and down and screaming, we had a nice three hour reunion on the train. Although I do tend to run into people I know in strange places, she is definitely the closest friend I have ever run into, and Budapest is one of the strangest places for it to happen. What are the chances, really? She could have been on the same train but in a different car, and we never would have known. Or she could have been looking right instead of left when she walked by me. Amazing. I did cringe quite a bit because she and her parents are ugly American tourists. They stay in fancy American chain hotels, they complain loudly when things are dirty, they disdainfully compare things to how they are in America, they expect people to speak English, they try to pay for things in American dollars (I had to buy the food on the train for everybody just because I was mortified that they tried to make them take dollars). And the worst, I think, is that they were laughing about how they "play the dumb American" when somebody wants them to do something they don't want to do, like buy a valid metro ticket instead of using an expired one. Yikes. The meeting was somewhat sobering, though, because while my friend and I were sitting in the dining car talking, she told me a story she had only recently felt comfortable sharing. Last year she was in Belize with another good friend of ours from college. They went to the Guatemalan border to see some ruins or something, and as they were on their way back a van pulled them over to the side of the road and 7 masked men with machetes and guns pulled them out of the van. They dragged them into the rain forest and lined them up. They stole everything, and in the meantime pulled over a couple more vans full of tourists and lined them up too. At one point my friend was dragged further into the jungle to be raped. As they were walking, she asked in Spanish whether he was going to kill her, and the guy said no. So she said "Oh, ok then, it's all good." Once he had her on the ground, he couldn't get hard. Her therapist thinks it's because it wasn't fun for him anymore after she "consented." There was no conquest. After a while one of the vans they were trying to pull over wouldn't stop, so they shot at it and hit a tourist. They knew the border guards would have heard the shot, so they had to hightail it back into Guatemala before the military arrived. That is how my friend escaped. The American Embassy in Belize took them to the hospital and put them on the next flight back to the US. Anyway, that was a pretty amazing story. I am glad it worked out so well.
Why They Are Ignoring Me?
Ok, they're really not. But have you ever had a time when it SEEMS like all your friends are ignoring you? If any one or two of them were delayed in replying to you, you would think nothing of it. But when, coincidentally, ALL of them aren't getting back, it starts to get a little uncomfortable. I am the type who remembers birthdays and notices when people get their hair cut. So in the last week, I sent out all sorts of little notes of that type. I asked two of them how their first week of grad school went. I asked one whether he finally found a roommate. I asked one whether he enjoyed his visit to LA. I asked another whether the group members for his semester project have finally started contributing. I asked another how he likes his new job. You know, just little stuff. None of it is important. And I wouldn't care if none of them ever replied; it's not like I actually need to know the answers. I'm just being polite. But when they ALL don't reply, I shed a little tear. (not really)
What the Hell is Wrong with Me!?
That's actually a serious question. I don't know what's wrong with me.There are plenty of reasons for me not to have gone to the gay bar tonight: I am sick and my sore throat is exacerbated by smoke and alcohol. I hardly slept at all last night, and need to if I am going to get better. I am not going to hook up with anybody in this condition anyway, and I'm not here long enough to establish any platonic friendships. Poland is very religious and homophobic and I might not be safe, particularly since I'm alone. But on the other hand, there are plenty of reasons for me to have gone: I am on vacation and have plenty of time to sleep tomorrow. My throat can't get much worse, so there's not much to lose. The Polish president's minions aren't really going to harass me, and even if they do they can suck it. I am only young once. Apparently Europeans find me more attractive than Americans do. Polish guys are hot. Alcohol would probably dull my headache and help me sleep. But having laid out all those factors, you and I both know they're all bullshit. The simple truth is that I just chickened out when I got there. BUT WHY!?! I guess one possible fear is that I would just sit awkwardly in the corner like a loner and then slink quietly out in defeat. But the truth is I have plenty of experience to indicate that I am able to shmooze my way into a conversation with a cute guy if I really want to. Heck, I've been doing it throughout this trip, and this blog is full of stories where I've done that. So, rationally, I know I can do it. It's actually a fun challenge. So that wasn't really it, and I knew that.Another possible issue stems from the self-esteem problems you know I have with respect to my looks. I guess there's always a lingering fear that THIS is the bar where they will finally prove justified. People will ignore me or turn up their noses. But, again, if I honestly evaluate the situation, I got a few approving looks when I walked in. So that wasn't really it. I mean, I really do have self-esteem issues, but this time that wasn't what made me leave. Yet I got in there, took a look around (and saw cute guys) and promptly used the cover fee (nothing...$5) as an excuse to leave. WHY!?!It's not a big deal this time. Like I said, I am really not going to hook up, or even put in the effort to make a friend for 24 hours. So I didn't lose much by leaving that bar. But when I finally settle into LA, this could be a serious problem! Why do I clam up like this sometimes!? I was dressed and ready to go. I was there, in the door. Everything looked good. And yet I left. I don't actually expect you to have any answers, so don't feel bad. You don't know nearly enough about me for it to be anything more than a guess. (Although, undoubtedly, somebody will assume they know enough to say something mean, as always happens when I write something vulnerable.) I guess I just wanted to vent my frustration with myself. I wish I knew why this happens sometimes, so that I could stop doing it.
The Rest Of My Life!
Well, it's finally that time...school is done, summer is over, vacation has ended. It's time to start thinking about what to do with the rest of my life. Specifically, I need to think about a career. Sure, I will begin something soon that will pay the bills while I figure things out. But I want to really give some good thought to the long term. It would be sad to let momentum carry me through 40 years of the same job without ever having really thought about whether that's what I ought to be doing. And hopefully your accumulated wisdom will help me out. I think what I might do is systematically think about two things: what I think I want out of life (and how that fits with possible career choices), and possible jobs that I would consider doing (with pros and cons). For you older readers who love to give advice to young whelps, this is your chance to shine. Please give me your general thoughts on choosing a career. So here are some general thoughts about career choices:
You don't have to be passionate about your job. It's ok to compartmentalize; you can just do something from 9 to 5 to pay the bills, as long as the job leaves enough time, energy and money to do what you really want to be doing. So, for example, if you are really good at picking stocks but find it boring, and you love painting but could never get paid for it, there is nothing wrong with being a stock broker during the day even though it isn't your passion. I think it's silly and self-indulgent to be a starving artist when you could comfortably balance the two. In other words, I am not some hippie idealist who thinks you must just do whatever you are passionate about without considering the real world. The key, of course, is finding the balance. Don't let your job get in the way of your life either.Having said that, it would certainly be ideal to find a job you DO love. It would be wonderful to wake up and get paid to do something you would do for free, even if it means you aren't making top dollar. My dad loves his job in that way (inexplicably) and I would love to find something like that. Maybe I will make a list sometime of things I love to do, and I will see if I can make a career out of any of them. Even if you love your job, you aren't going to love it every day and you aren't going to love every aspect of it. It would be silly to expect that, and it would be stupid to reject a job that is only 97% good, or to quit every time you find yourself in a rut. If you continue to hate it for months or years, you might want to consider other alternatives. But you will have to show some stick-to-it-iveness, so expect it. People in my generation will probably have a lot of different careers. Nobody does the 'company man' thing anymore. So I need not stress over this decision as if I am setting my fate in stone.Having said that, though, people in my generation are absurdly self-indulgent in the way they flit between jobs as if they will be young forever, stopping off at mom and dad's basement when they can't find a job they 'love'. I don't want to be that guy any more than I already have. At some point, you do have to just pull the trigger and grow up and do something. We can't keep 'discovering ourselves' into our 40s. Basically, I just confused myself more. Nothing I just said helps me figure anything out. But I am not complaining. I realize what a luxury it is to be able to mull over this decision. For most of human history you just did whatever it is your dad did before you, or whatever the local lord told you to do. And in most of the world, even today, you do whatever you need to do to put food on the table, regardless of how you feel about it. Most people don't have this choice. So, I do appreciate what a blessing it is that I have the whole world to choose from. If I ever get frustrated by the decision, I will try to remember that it could certainly be a lot worse. Anybody have any thoughts? Anything you wish somebody had told you when you were in my place?
You don't have to be passionate about your job. It's ok to compartmentalize; you can just do something from 9 to 5 to pay the bills, as long as the job leaves enough time, energy and money to do what you really want to be doing. So, for example, if you are really good at picking stocks but find it boring, and you love painting but could never get paid for it, there is nothing wrong with being a stock broker during the day even though it isn't your passion. I think it's silly and self-indulgent to be a starving artist when you could comfortably balance the two. In other words, I am not some hippie idealist who thinks you must just do whatever you are passionate about without considering the real world. The key, of course, is finding the balance. Don't let your job get in the way of your life either.Having said that, it would certainly be ideal to find a job you DO love. It would be wonderful to wake up and get paid to do something you would do for free, even if it means you aren't making top dollar. My dad loves his job in that way (inexplicably) and I would love to find something like that. Maybe I will make a list sometime of things I love to do, and I will see if I can make a career out of any of them. Even if you love your job, you aren't going to love it every day and you aren't going to love every aspect of it. It would be silly to expect that, and it would be stupid to reject a job that is only 97% good, or to quit every time you find yourself in a rut. If you continue to hate it for months or years, you might want to consider other alternatives. But you will have to show some stick-to-it-iveness, so expect it. People in my generation will probably have a lot of different careers. Nobody does the 'company man' thing anymore. So I need not stress over this decision as if I am setting my fate in stone.Having said that, though, people in my generation are absurdly self-indulgent in the way they flit between jobs as if they will be young forever, stopping off at mom and dad's basement when they can't find a job they 'love'. I don't want to be that guy any more than I already have. At some point, you do have to just pull the trigger and grow up and do something. We can't keep 'discovering ourselves' into our 40s. Basically, I just confused myself more. Nothing I just said helps me figure anything out. But I am not complaining. I realize what a luxury it is to be able to mull over this decision. For most of human history you just did whatever it is your dad did before you, or whatever the local lord told you to do. And in most of the world, even today, you do whatever you need to do to put food on the table, regardless of how you feel about it. Most people don't have this choice. So, I do appreciate what a blessing it is that I have the whole world to choose from. If I ever get frustrated by the decision, I will try to remember that it could certainly be a lot worse. Anybody have any thoughts? Anything you wish somebody had told you when you were in my place?
Life List!
One of the things I’ve been slowly working on in my absence is some self-assessment, in hopes that it will help me figure out what I want to do with my life. I have made four pretty comprehensive lists: “Things I Like”, “Things I Don’t Like”, “Things I’m Relatively Good At”, and “Things I’m Relatively Bad At”. The lists are obviously not exhaustive. These are just the things that popped into my head quickly and which I felt were important enough to list. Also, for the most part, I tried to limit myself to things that might be relevant for choosing a career. For example, I like kissing the area where the neck meets the shoulder and collarbone, but that information wouldn’t help you help me find a career. So I left it out. So, I am hoping you will help me. I figure thousands of minds are better than one; you may see a career path based on this list that I haven’t thought of. Or you might know of a job I’ve never even heard of. Feel free to be as specific or general as you’d like. I will be grateful for anything you offer, but it would be especially helpful if you gave me a “because.” And if you think of something but have further questions, please ask! I will continue to add to the list as I think of things. For example, “Matt, maybe you should open a bed and breakfast. You like giving hospitality, you’re good at it, you like giving tours, and you like having friends from all over the place (and your guests will be from other places). You could fill it with antiques with historical connection to the area, which would enable you to indulge your interest in history, and in old stuff. You’re good at carrying a conversation, and that’s important for making guests feel at home. However, it might not be good to always have strangers in your house because you like solitude. Also, you’d have to run a business and you’re not good with money management.” Anyway, that’s just an idea of what could be really helpful to hear. Once I have some good ideas, I will probably post about some pros and cons of particular jobs that I’m interested in. Thank you in advance for your help!
It's Halloween Time!
Oh my gosh, Halloween was sooo much fun. It’s been a really long time since I’ve had such a blast. Once I finally got into West Hollywood and found parking, the streets were already filling up. My dad told me the party was on the cover of the LA Times today, and they estimated at least 300,000 people. I meandered around a little, taking in the sights, and then went to a restaurant where a friend of mine was tending bar. The owner of that place loves me, so I got free food and drinks, which was awesome. I chatted up the patrons of the bar in an effort to scare up bigger tips for my buddy, and met a really interesting middle-age couple from Santa Monica. They were very granola and fun to talk to. When I left there I walked almost the full length of the party zone on Santa Monica Blvd. For most of the way I was totally hemmed in by people. And everybody was there! Freaks, hotties, voyeurs, cross-dressers, gym-bunnies, flamers, twinks, bears, normal people and sugar-daddies...the whole crew was out in force! It was some of the best people watching I’d ever done.I had my eye on an adorable guy dressed as Bacchus or Pan or something mythological. He wasn’t wearing much, so it was hard to tell who he was supposed to be. I’m not sure why I didn’t have the courage to talk to him…probably because he was way too cute and I was intimidated. But once I was past him I really regretted not stopping to flirt. Bah!I continued up the street and then remembered I was near a house party I’d been invited to. I found the place and went upstairs and it was filled with a bunch of 20-something guys who obviously care about the way they look. So many muscles in such a small space! The theme of the party was “skank”, and most people came in an appropriate costume. Unfortunately I never got a costume together; I was so sure I’d end up missing the evening that I didn’t want to get all excited about my costume and then not wear it. That would have made me doubly depressed. So, as it turns out, I just wore jeans and a party shirt. I drank a bit at the party to loosen up the social skills, and then met all the guests. They were tons of fun. It’s funny how quickly you can jump to conclusions. I just assumed that hot gay men with amazing bodies who would be willing to wear skanky outfits would be models, flight attendants, bar tenders, assistants...you know, people who have the time and a reason to work out that much. But most of these guys were bankers, graduate students, businessmen....crazy! Halloween definitely brings out a different side of people!Eventually I left the party and went back onto the street to see the people. I’m pretty sure I saw a fellow blogger dressed as a Mormon missionary, but he was too far away to say anything. I was texting back and forth with an old friend, trying to meet up. But then, about two hours after seeing him the first time, out of 300,000 people, I ran into that guy I’d regretted not talking to. He was slipping between two people and headed past me when I grabbed him and said “You know, I saw you earlier and thought to myself that you look the hottest in your costume of anybody here, and I just wanted to tell you that.” He was genuinely pleased, smiled, and said, “Really? Thank you!” and paused, studying my face for a few seconds. Then he grabbed the sides of my head, pulled me in and started making out with me. We were going at it for a while, and I was enjoying it immensely, but then I realized what a spectacle we were making. I saw a circle of voyeurs forming around us and bunch of cameras flashing. I couldn’t bring myself to pull away for a while, but then I decided I didn’t want to end up on the cover of a local newspaper, so I reluctantly broke it off. He took my hand and trailed me along for a while, making sure my hand grazed his mostly exposed butt plenty of times. He kept asking where I lived...a question with obvious implications. But I wasn’t going to do that. Eventually I got bored walking around, took his number, and went off on my own. After running into some friends and talking for a while, I decided it was time to head back to my car. I was walking slowly down the sidewalk and noticed a boy with a beautiful face that could only be described as angelic. But he had a little bit of a faux-hawk. Naughty and nice, good and evil...hot. I locked eyes with him and didn’t look away. I was just about to pass him, eyes still locked, when he reached out with his right hand and stopped me. We talked for a while, I fell in love, and we exchanged information. And then it was time for bed.
Dear Sleep!
I'm sorry I haven't been spending much time with you nowadays. We're only together for four to five hours every night, which I admit, isn't quality time together. I do try to make it up with you on the weekends though, most weekends we spend nearly half the day together in my bed. Although yes, I agree with you that that's not the way how our relationship should be.It's not that I don't love you anymore, I still do. You know how I don't want to leave you every morning. It's not as if I don't think of you anymore - I think about you everyday, especially when I leave for work, and even while at work too. I talk about you to my friends at times.I admit, I wouldn't have known just how much I've been neglecting you if Alex did not confess to us about his relationship with you. I won't say that I was shocked, I knew we always had an understanding regarding our open relationship. You need to be with other people but you always came back to me, we have that special something. But I was a bit disappointed that you'd been paying Alex very regular visits too. I guess I've disappointed you one time too many too. Would a threesome with Alex be somewhere in our distant future, just to patch things up? I don't think so, people will object. Plus, I rather have you all to myself.I'll confess that I've been spending time with your sibling Nap too. We met up during my lunch break, and we bond in my car. Yes, I admit I'm that weak, that I succumbed. Nap tried to see to my needs, but my mind was always on you! You, Sleep, You!Just like how you need to be with nearly everyone else everyday (how lucky for you to be omnipresent), we too have to spend time with others, so that we aren't seen poorly by them. Internet is now our colleague at work, sometimes after work we do talk about casual matters. He also puts us in contact with other people. With Gym, well, we have a set timetable and he's never ever taken time away from you.The Games and Hobbies families are a handful, and we need to dedicate time to certain family members every now and then. Boardgame is fine meeting up once every now and then. Console only calls us when he has something new that catches our interest. Portable is a keen kid, follows us everywhere to play with us when we're free. Reading joins us for mealtimes mostly. True, occasionally they all keep us from you. I'll have a chat with them about it.All right. I won't make any more excuses. You know how I can't live without you. I'm addicted to you - I'm always reminded of your absence if I don't get enough of you. And I haven't been getting enough of you. Come back to bed. Be one with me again.Yours always,Janvier.
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
My Pack!
1: One pair of brown leather Gucci boots (which I don’t like wearing in adverse weather conditions because I’m scared I’ll ruin them), one pair of brown Timberland boots (which I don’t like wearing because they are fucking hard and painful and I can’t walk in them), one pair of Nike Air Force One white trainers (which only go with shorts so I can’t really wear in Iceland anyway).
2. Three pairs of jeans (2 pairs from Diesel, 1 pair from Energie). I don’t know how well a pair of jeans manages to keep you warm in sub-zero temperatures so I’m also taking…
3. …a pair of candy striped (white / pale blue / pink) pajama bottoms from H&M and my old tae-kwon-do trousers to wear underneath my jeans (must dress in layers).
4. Two big coats. One navy blue pea coat from Ralph Lauren and one white, waterproof coat from Polo Sport by Ralph Lauren, which should help me blend in with the snow and avoid aggressive reindeer if circumstances call for it.
5. Six pairs of football socks to be worn on top of each other (simultaneously). Also there, two pairs of gloves (one pair of black leather gloves from Hugo Boss, one pair of grey woolen gloves form Replay to be worn in top of each other (ditto).
6. Old t-shirt, old pair of shorts to wear in bed at night. Naturally t-shirt will be tucked in underwear, shorts will be added on top, football socks will be worn pulled up to the knees.
7. Long sleeved tops. These include 2 jumpers from Lyle & Scott, 1 jumper from H&M, 1 Dolce & Gabbana sweater, 1 sweat top from Boxfresh.
8. Two long sleeved shirts (1 pink from H&M, 1 blue striped one from the Gap) to be worn underneath sweaters, for that timeless “Mummy taught me to dress in layers” look.
9. Short sleeved tops. Three t-shirts, three polo shorts. Amazingly, none of these tops are skin tight and disgustingly revealing, as I’m only planning to wear them underneath jumpers / other tops for layering.
10. Headwear. The highlight of the trip for me. One knitted hat bought from market stall in Athens, one wool and fur lined trapper hat from Kangol. I have great hopes for this hat, as it’s my best shot at fitting in with the locals.
11. Scarves. One navy blue scarf from Marks & Spencer’s (acquired through office secret Santa 2 years ago), one brown and purple striped scarf from Prada (stolen from sister). This is my only opportunity to wear scarves with good reason, as I generally consider scarf use superfluous and very gay.
12. Six pairs of underwear. Five pairs of white cotton boxers from Marks & Spencer plus one pair of green cotton boxer briefs with tropical pattern from Bjorn Borg (to spice things up).
13. Black carrier bag from Pringle. This was a very hopeful assumption, before I laid enough clothes to stay in Iceland for 6 months on my bed. Old black hard suitcase with broken wheel will have
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
