My Christian Life:

this story happened about 9 years ago. i copied everything from my journal and have done some minor editing coz my grammar was completely unacceptable. hehehe...WARNING: if you're allergic to drama, don't read this.
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when i was still a kid, i've always dreamed of falling in love with this perfect guy, someone i can count on, someone who'd be sweet to me no matter what, someone who'd treat me like his queen and of course, someone who's good enough for my parents.
i never really cared if he was good-looking or if he was rich. all i wished for was for him to treat me right.
so years passed, i got into fifth grade and got myself my first ever boyfriend. he was this brat from school who cared nothing more than his teenage toys and computer games. at first it was fun. he made me smile and he made me laugh. but then one day, i found out that he had one "pretty baby" in each and every major highshcool in the city. i broke up with him right away.
then, after two or more insignificant relationships later, i met this really amazing guy named Christian. oh my god. i could almost touch his dark brown locks and his oh-so-wonderful skin. but really; he wasn't the hunky type. my friends often mention to me his being dorky and geeky. he was like a dead fish when it comes to socializing... and that's what got me interested with him. he was dead serious with everything he does and oh my, those eyes, they seemed to go right through me and melt me like butter on a hot pan. the first time i saw him, he became my ultimate crush from then on.
months passed and i got to know him better. we were in the same group of friends. it was a group of teenagers from rich and prominent families. i was actually the only one who obviously came from a middle class family. up to now, i still can't figure out why i even hang out with them in the first place. but anyway, he was then dating this girl his cousin, Nicole "endorsed" to him. i hated the girl! not because i was jealous, but because she was bloody ugly and absurdly bitchy. apparently, i was the only one who saw that. so i never said anything about her and Christian dating. after all, it was a one way thing. me liking him, him having no idea about it.
then one day, we were at this mall, doing our usual thing, hanging out, window shopping in a group of about 10 peeps. i was behind everyone. i looked like their friggin maid, actually! hahaha... but i insist; i was so much more prettier. (bwahahahaha!!! ) and then, the bitch, i think her name was Cara? i don't really remember was strutting her fat ass and pointing in every direction, talking about how rich and fancy she is... yadeeyadeeya... so i mumbled bout how i hated being with her, not knowing that Christian was already beside me! he heard every friggin word that i said! so i froze, there, in front of him, i was shaking!!! then suddenly, he said: " you're so right." oh my god!!! he didn't like the bitch too! i was ecstatic!
so we were talking (literally) behind her back, enumerating all the annoying things bout her. and overnight, he became my bestfriend.
and so, Nicole went on, pushing the idea of both of them getting together as a couple, an idea Cara seemed to love, and Christian went on feeling like hell and telling me how insane the whole thing was. he kept calling me at home almost every night, sharing every foolish thing we could come up with, and beating the shit out of life. we loved being together... but still, I WAS JUST HIS FRIEND.
one day, we were hanging out somewhere, when Cara caught Christian and I talking happily about god knows what kind of gibberish it was. she was furious because earlier that day, he was asked by Nicole to sit by Cara at this fancy restaurant and talk bout well--err... i dunno. but clearly, Christian opted to be with me instead. so this bitch walks up to us and said rudely: "Chris, why are you with her? you're not supposed to be hanging out with lower lifeforms.." and even added, looking at me, saying:" no offense intended, ok?"
hell! no offense? was she kidding me or was she just plain dumb to even say that? i stood up, looked at her straight in the eye and said: "i know you don't like me but please, spare me your poor choice of words." - or something like that. and know what the creep did? she slapped me on the face with her huge flabby arms! when she was about to make a second one, Christian stopped her. he then told her how he hated girls making the wrong moves and even told Cara that in no way did he want to get their friendship to another level.
Christian then looked down at me( he's 6'2'' so he's got to do that ) and said: "you're the one i like; not Cara..." well, the words may have not been the same ones uttered that day but it sure was in pure english coz this Cara insisted she couldn't understand Bisaya. oohh her blasted lies!
by then, we were attracting a small crowd because of the commotion and most of our friends heard what Christian said. out of nowhere, Nicole came up and said something about Christian and i not belonging together. she mentioned something bout Jupiter and Pluto. ha. so we looked like planets? anyway, it was harshly obvious that they can't take the fact that Christian was digging me.
because of humiliation and the overwhelming need to seek refuge somewhere other than that dreadful place, i ran away without looking back. i didn't know where to go, what to do, all i wanted was to go elsewhere.
so for about a month, i didn't talk to anyone from the group except with Christian's bestfriend Jacob, who was the one who actually waited for me at our school's gate, begging me to go with him and hang out with the group once again.
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hmmm... this is getting really long. i'm hungry and i'd have to finish this another time... =)
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after what, 8 months? here i am, trying to complete this gibberish.
so Jacob was there, with all his charm and handsomeness, asked if i could join him for dinner. half of me was trying to say no and pretend that i didn't care less but the other half was sure that i was hungry and i needed to eat. what harm would free chow do?
we walked into this pizza place that was a li'l over a kilometer away from my school. and there, on one of the corners of Pizza Hut was Christian, gazing into my eyes, as if drawing me near like he was some magnet and i was some paper clip. hell it felt like i was melting like cheese on the soggy pizza that lay on the table. i had no choice but to sit with him. i was starving and i sure can't go anywhere else without looking awfully stupid. i glared angrily at Jacob, furious of his trickery, i playfully elbowed his left rib and he shook the place with a loud howl.
after grabbing a bite, Jacob left to give Chris and I some space, he said. so there, Chris apologized about everything, saying it never should've happened that way if only he told me how he really felt sooner. to make the long story short, he said story, i said ok, and the next morning, he announced that him and i were formally together. i didn't even know we were but hey, that was like a dream come true, so why bother protesting?
so there, we were together for a couple of months. we truly enjoyed each other's company. he was not only my boyfriend but he was my friend. we shared our secrets and became great starcraft buddies. he then introduced me to his family, to his beautiful, and elegant mom and his undeniably intimidating father. at first it felt awkward coz i knew my boyfriend belonged to the other half of the society and him and i are just too darn different in every angle. while his mom sipped on martinis, my mom does the dishes. as his father would play golf on weekends, my dad had to work on weekends to make our life more or less comfortable for my brother and i.
but his family didn't seem to mind. in no time, his mom and i got really close and loved doing things together. there was even a time when his mom was in town (they're almost always not in the city), she'd call me up and ask me to come by their house and bake pastries together. god, i missed those times...
basically everything went smoothly. it was almost as if i was living my dream. Christian was more than just a boyfriend, he was a friend who understood me and assured me that he'll always be there for me no matter what... all was perfect til one unfortunate day...
it was our 5th monthsary and we were having dinner in one of the prettiest restaurants uptown. after finishing our meal, he suddenly reached for my hands and held them tightly. i felt odd. he's not the romantic type and for him to do something like that would certainly mean trouble or the exact opposite. and i was right on target.
Christian was flying to L.A. the next week for college. he passed a scholarship program in one of the prominent universities there and that meant that he'd have to be there for at least an entire year before he could afford to go home and go back to the states after a few days' visit.
i was surprised, shocked, angry and confused. i slapped him. slapped him really hard that he held on to his cheek like i tore it off his face. i could not believe what i heard. how could he do that to me? how could he not even tell me that he applied for the blasted thing? why tell me now when he was just about to leave? i thought we were honest to each other? i thought we were open.... i thought he understood how painful it is for me to hear all that. of course i felt proud my boyfriend was that smart but hell, if he doesn't tell me bout it, and if it means he'd be thousands of miles away, it didn't mean a sh*tty thing to me... didn't mean a thing...
as an impulse, i stormed out of the room in tears. i knew he was trying to catch up but i was too fast for him. i hurriedly got inside the cab and instructed the driver to bring me home.
later that night, he called. and we talked. i couldn't even call it "talking" coz half of the time i was in tears and for sure, he could barely understand a thing between sobs. i felt so deceived, so mad but most of all, so lonely and so scared... with the few months we were together, i got so used to having him around, to seeing him wait for me after school, feel him squeeze my hand when he stares down at me... i got so used to loving him and being loved by him.
so, i told him. it just isn't worth it. i couldn't handle the distance... we broke up. and the last thing he said before i hung up was "Wait for me; I'll come back for you."
so after a few weeks, months, and then 2 years pass, without a word from one another, i receve this mail on our supposedly 2nd year anniversary, telling me he'll be back for summer and he wanted to see me.
i sure did miss him. but after what happened, i've managed to tame my heart and got in touch with the reality that him and i just ain't worth it anymore. i was also dating other guys then but never to the point when i could truly say that i fell in love again. no guy was ever good enough, no other hand squeezed mine the same way Christian did.
no matter how i try to tell myself that seeing him was a bad idea, the longing prevailed and so on that day of his arrival, i found myself on their front door, ringing the bell. as the door opened, my heart pounded wildly inside my chest. it was Christian. he knew i was gonna be there. i called and left a message asking if he was around but got invited by his mom to come over instead. he gained some weight, it was clear but he still looked as stunning as he always did. damn he looked really good. i guess we were both surprised to see each other coz he didn't move a muscle til his mom approached the door and asked who arrived. so when his mom saw me, she let me in with a smile.
there i was, on the table, with his family and close relatives and friends having a dinner of scallops and shellfish and all seafood Chris might've missed eating. after the meal, he walked up to me, held my hand and led me to their patio. god, i could never forget that night. the moon was shining brightly and the stars were plastered beautifully up the sky like this wallpaper i kept on my desktop...
and, in the middle of the odd silence, he hugged me tight, and kissed my forehead and said: "I want you to be Mrs. Christian Ong." those were his exact words.
i gasped, not knowing what to say. i stuttered, but he placed his fingers on my lips gesturing that i didn't have to say anything. i guess i gave away too much when tears just fell as i locked a gaze into his beautifully small eyes. he could see i was happy, he could see how stunned and shocked i was but what he didn't know is how confused i was as well.
i was only about fifteen when that happened. was he out of his mind or has he gone mad? or was it too much sunshine in California? he went on saying he loves me still and he doesn't want anyone else but me... so i said i'd give it some thought even if my heart knew that this was what i really wanted to hear... well, maybe not the sort-of "marry me" thing, but it was how he showed me how much he still loved me. he said okay, he can wait and that was it. he flew back to the states a few weeks later.
i spent each day thinking things over. what did he mean bout that? did he want us to elope? was he merely planning ahead? besides, what would my mom say when i tell her i'm gonna get married? is it even possible for me to get married on that age (i didn't even know the legal age for marriage)? what will happen to me if i'd say yes? do i love him enough to marry him? hundreds of questions without any clear answer stormed through me. it's just so silly when i realize now how easy it would've been if only we talked bout it.
a few more months pass and Christian and I were e-mailing each other every once in a while and he calls to check on me every week. things were kind of working. though he was away, he made sure i'd feel his presence. not the boyfriend kind of thing coz we weren't back together. i still stayed with my "... i'll think things through" line. i was almost convinced that it was gonna be okay... i was about to give him an answer.
*sigh. on one wicked day, i was on my way home when i bumped into Allen. he was a friend Chris and i shared. it has been a long, long time since him and i ever talked. as you remember, i was avoiding my old "friends" since that MMK moment at the mall years back. so we sat and had coffee/coke and talked bout things. and there, i got the most shocking news yet.
the girl Allen used to date, Kristine, was already 9 months pregnant with Christian's baby. the girl was one of Nicole's, Christian's cousin's friend. heck, i'd say she was from the same occult.
i didn't know how to react, what to say. i didn't even know if i had to say anything. i felt my heart in my throat as if i was about to puke it out. i wanted to cry, i wanted to just let out a shriek and maybe, just maybe, i could make myself feel better. Allen didn't know that Chris and i are sort-of back together and i didn't want him to know as well. i didn't want him to see how painful it was for me. so, with all the confidence i could muster, i acted like it was something that i was expecting. with all effort, i giggled nervously and told Allen i had to rush to my swimming practice.
it turned out that Kristine, who has a mom working as a nurse in the states, went there for a vacation and eventually arranged to proceed with her studies there. she went to L.A. to visit Christian. later on, as i tried to gather as much information about the issue as i could, i found out from a very reliable source that Kristine already had the hots for Chris even before i came in the picture--about 3 years back. on one of those party nights that Chris had at their college dorm, it was rumored that she drugged his drink and did the unimaginable and intentionally impregnated herself. what's funny is, they have same names.
after finding that out, i hurried to send him an email to ask him about everything. so in just about an hour, he called me up denying everything.
the girl by then was in Cebu and so i found ways to meet up with her. so we talked. and she admitted everything--how desperate she was, how much she loved him, and how much she envied me. when i first heard what happened, i was infuriated and planted this anger on Kristine that i wanted to just pull her hair and whatever but after hearing what she had to say, i saw how shattered she was. i felt compassion. i was empathetic and understood where she was coming from. she told me that Chris already knows about it and she was even hoping that he could at least acknowledge the baby. she even knew that he was still in love with me... for on that night when it happened, Chris was calling my name.
i was abhorred, indignant and just so disappointed with this man i loved. another case of Chris not telling me things. once again, all the confusion, the anger and the worry came back like a blast from the past. here i was torn between the word of my so-called beloved boyfriend and the testimonial of more than just four friends and the girl involved herself. i talked to him though, saying that it was alright, that someday, i will learn to accept it and forgive him for what happened. but Chris kept rejecting the idea of ever talking to Kristine to arrange something and vowed that he would never ever say that the baby was his own.
it appalled me that he can't at least see the kid and just do something for his son. so i realized that he didn't have enough kindness and soul that i needed in a guy. i knew it was over. enough with the lies and betrayal. i just couldn't risk it anymore.
so that, my friends, was the turning point of our fairy tale. i decided that he was not someone i could trust, not someone who'd be ready to take whatever responsibility he should hold. Kristine may have done it for selfish reasons but let's not forget that the baby didn't didn't have anything to do with what happened. he's an angel and for that, he has to be loved and be treated right. and that's something his father should be doing.
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years have passed and every now and then Chris would e-mail me. i'd seldom reply. the pain is like a nightmare that haunts me. i heard that til now, he still won't acknowledge the baby.
i never denied the fact that i was then in madly in love with him. Chris may have reasons for his actions and those are choices he himself made. it's better it all ended. i loved him, he loved me, but he's now just a part of my past and i've been long able to let it all go--including the love.