What the Hell is Wrong with Me!?

That's actually a serious question. I don't know what's wrong with me.There are plenty of reasons for me not to have gone to the gay bar tonight: I am sick and my sore throat is exacerbated by smoke and alcohol. I hardly slept at all last night, and need to if I am going to get better. I am not going to hook up with anybody in this condition anyway, and I'm not here long enough to establish any platonic friendships. Poland is very religious and homophobic and I might not be safe, particularly since I'm alone. But on the other hand, there are plenty of reasons for me to have gone: I am on vacation and have plenty of time to sleep tomorrow. My throat can't get much worse, so there's not much to lose. The Polish president's minions aren't really going to harass me, and even if they do they can suck it. I am only young once. Apparently Europeans find me more attractive than Americans do. Polish guys are hot. Alcohol would probably dull my headache and help me sleep. But having laid out all those factors, you and I both know they're all bullshit. The simple truth is that I just chickened out when I got there. BUT WHY!?! I guess one possible fear is that I would just sit awkwardly in the corner like a loner and then slink quietly out in defeat. But the truth is I have plenty of experience to indicate that I am able to shmooze my way into a conversation with a cute guy if I really want to. Heck, I've been doing it throughout this trip, and this blog is full of stories where I've done that. So, rationally, I know I can do it. It's actually a fun challenge. So that wasn't really it, and I knew that.Another possible issue stems from the self-esteem problems you know I have with respect to my looks. I guess there's always a lingering fear that THIS is the bar where they will finally prove justified. People will ignore me or turn up their noses. But, again, if I honestly evaluate the situation, I got a few approving looks when I walked in. So that wasn't really it. I mean, I really do have self-esteem issues, but this time that wasn't what made me leave. Yet I got in there, took a look around (and saw cute guys) and promptly used the cover fee (nothing...$5) as an excuse to leave. WHY!?!It's not a big deal this time. Like I said, I am really not going to hook up, or even put in the effort to make a friend for 24 hours. So I didn't lose much by leaving that bar. But when I finally settle into LA, this could be a serious problem! Why do I clam up like this sometimes!? I was dressed and ready to go. I was there, in the door. Everything looked good. And yet I left. I don't actually expect you to have any answers, so don't feel bad. You don't know nearly enough about me for it to be anything more than a guess. (Although, undoubtedly, somebody will assume they know enough to say something mean, as always happens when I write something vulnerable.) I guess I just wanted to vent my frustration with myself. I wish I knew why this happens sometimes, so that I could stop doing it.