M M M M M M M

i keep thinking about you and i can't understand why. for about 3 years ago, we were mere strangers that lurked this planet and by some strange act of fate, we stumbled upon each other...the first time we met upfront was so strange to me. i was bored, and strangely exanimated bout my life. when the chance to meet this perfect stranger came, i was initially hesitant but ended up saying "oh what the heck?" after all that i've been through, there couldn't possibly be anything worse. for all i know, i might like this choice.i remember that night clearly. i stood in front of the office after receiving a message from you saying you just entered IT Park. a gray AUV pulled over. windows opened, and i caught a glimpse of that guy i've been textmates with for about a week. unsure of what to do, i glanced around the area as if expecting some suspicious eye calculating my every move and well, i knew that if anyone was watching, i would be best inside the heavily tinted vehicle just in case. and the door opened. knowing you were alone, i didn't think you'd be able to inflict any serious harm on me whatsoever should you have had the intention of doing so, right? kidding aside, that was how it all began...the moment i got in and got a closer look at you, it was all a bit unexpected. you mentioned then that you were Chinese and that you were chubby but i didn't know your eyes were indeed tiny and that you weren't exactly fat. i remember you warning me through text that you couldn't brag about your looks so i expected someone who looked horrible so i was pleasantly surprised. but any of it didn't really matter then coz i didn't have plans of going out on date no.2. i honestly thought i was gonna spoil that night before that thought could be entertained. it was clear, that with your chinky eyes and the car you drove, the phone you were busily toying with, the way your collar stood still around your neck, and with the scent of your car or perhaps your expensive perfume, that you were from a wealthy clan. after calculating all that, i secretly concluded: i'm definitely not going out with this guy again. you were beyond my league.after Christian, and all the other disappointing guys i've dated, i've learned an important lesson: the more they smelled like money, they're most likely to be jerks who'd only play with my emotions. i never wanna be tagged as a gold digger, a social climber or anything like that. it just so happens that the people i was friends with were quite up there in the social circle so it was but natural for me to meet people of their status quo. i do try to avoid mingling with that kind of people, but it's just inevitable that i get to be immersed in the world i didn't and don't belong to. life has been hard on me and my family and i certainly don't feel comfortable having to talk to a person who had no clue what it was like to need something that they usually just take for granted. and besides, men like yourself normally go out with women with flawless skin, silky shiny hair and dressed in fine couture, fashionably fit for any given occasion. i on the other hand, felt nothing like that. i've always been insecure as a child and i don't like reminding myself of the reasons why...moving on, i remember we were just driving around and i couldn't exactly recall what we did that night, where we went and the kind of conversation we were having. all i know is that i actually had a good time despite the premeditated failures that night. i was instantly comfortable with you. you were funny, charming and surprisingly down to earth. you didn't project this repulsive and overbearing picture that would instantly scare me off.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _oh well, i gotta sleep. i still have work in a few hours from now. i'll finish this later._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _but though i had a wonderful time with you, i didn't expect you to text me again nonetheless. i just knew that it isn't going to do me any good. i was probably just captivated by your charm and silly jokes, the refreshing new feeling of not being alone and nothing more. no point in going any further.no one knew about you and i was quite thankful that we didn't have common friends or acquaintances. but at that very point in my life, when all seemed to just crumble before me, Jeremy being with someone else, having to stop school and take this strange new job, my entire family against my decision to work and put studying to a pause, my friends all busy with school and things that did not in any way involve me--i was just too alone.on that very moment when i came to think of all that, you conveniently texted me and sent a simple forwarded message that probably traveled to a hundred cellphones before reaching yours. it was corky but really sweet. that single message became 2, 2 became 3 and so on. it was but expected that we were to meet again.weren't we talking about massages and how we both wanted to try it out? silly but that's a perfectly cheesy trick. but that night came and we both got caught up with each others' warmth... and so, it happened. to this very day, i don't know if i were to regret that night. perhaps, if it happened differently, if it happened at a later time or didn't happen at all, would everything still be the same?at first, to me it felt like answering to what my body was calling for. the dripping sweat from my forehead as we moved against each other in a rhythm so divine, the heat and the sweet, enticing feeling of your breath against my face-- it was addictive. the easy and comfortable feeling of being with you, to laugh and ignore the rest of the world was a paradise that i found in your company. i liked how you didn't have any clear idea of who i was or what i was and in the same way i didn't feel the urge to know anything more than what you told me about you and your life. it was intimacy with a friendly stranger.seeing you was like shifting to this person that eventually became the person that i am now. don't you know that you were the one who taught me how to be true to myself and be comfortable in my own skin? you somehow freed a huge part of me that longed to break loose. i wasn't being pretentious or fake with the friends that came before you but i had so many apprehensions and worries that i didn't want to scare off anyone. because of that mentality, people grew to like me for reasons far from the should-bes.you know what's so surprising? i've found out that i actually make more friends with who i really am than the person i try to be. attracting men was less of a task as well for somehow, this confidence emanates from the person in me.as things started to go so right within me, i found myself falling for you. it's amazing how you can make me so happy with your corny and green jokes... strangely enough, i couldn't stop, i couldn't hold it off. i knew that it wasn't right and such feelings would just all go to a waste-- and i was right but powerless at the same time.i tried dating other guys. i met this teacher who was top to toe a hottie and thought i've found the guy who'd make me turn my head away but in less than a month, we ended our relationship prematurely. nothing just felt right. there was too much tension from the pain we both felt from having to settle with each other and making this tremendous effort to build a new life but have only accomplished to shift from acquaintances to friends that never really became lovers.i had to see you again, i had to get back to where i was and retrieve my sanity that somehow ran away with the jerks i was i seeing. you kept me grounded and aware of what i was truly feeling. i was seeing my friend that with all effort, i was trying to avoid. it was so hard to do.it was tormenting, painful and hurtful for me to submit to silence and hide how i truly felt with you. i knew that i was starting to need you more than as a friend. but then again, i had to think. to forget you and move on or to tell you how i feel and pursue that feeling? which is which? to wait and think of which path to take was more agonizing...one night, i took all the courage i could muster and told you the truth... that i loved you. i loved you so much that i was willing to let it all go. i risked turning you off, i risked making myself look like a mess, a total fool who didn't know what i was saying. and yet at the same time i swore to get rid of that feeling so you wouldn't have to feel guilty nor at fault... you and i can't be together for reasons too painful for me to put to words. the only time that you and i could be right for each other is when we're completely alone together.and to do that, i had to stop everything.i had to stop talking to you... the frequent exchange of text messages, our chat sessions and occasional conversations over the phone all had to stop. needless to say, it was difficult and almost impossible for me to get used to. and you know what i did, to overcome that ordeal? i composed messages on my phone and even as an email that was intended for you and just sent it to myself, pretending that you've actually read it and chose to ignore it anyway. somehow trying to tell myself that you weren't interested in talking to me as well. but at the end of the day, i still sleep to the thought of you and what it would've beens...it was torture.but, after a few months, someone else came along. out of nowhere, someone so new, so different came my way. different in a way that none of the men i knew was like him. he was everything that i seem to have dreamed of-- uncomplicated, simple, intelligent, responsible and sweet. he had words that only contained kindness and keen understanding of what a girl like me would want to hear. everything happened so fast and soon, i was drawn to this void with him. and i thought that was it...it's been almost 3 years since i met Bert. i've learned to love him more than i ever did a man. he always made me feel cared for, important and happy. he made every effort to assure me that none of my flaws bothered him and that he accepts who i truly am. i look back and start to think, was he a God-given gift after all the pain that i went through? perhaps, but there's nothing constant in this world except change.eventually, things started to bother me as the relationship lengthened and supposedly "flourished". we've both struggled to keep it all intact despite the lingering possibilities of losing each other. even with our strong feelings and will to be together, the rest of the world was difficult to us. with who i am and the perfect person that he is, nothing was easy. as the flare started to die down, no tide was drawing me to him; only the opposite. he was already starting to lose me...the whole time, your presence lingered, inspite efforts of avoiding you. and the more i think about what's happening to my relationship, the more it became clear to me that i still loved you and i never stopped. but still, i held back, trying to make things work between us as casual friends knowing that i may be merely confused. a conflict in the mind of a hapless lover.but things went from a fairy tale to a recurring nightmare after my first trip to Japan. leaving was necessary and i could not take any other option. the distance and time have hardened our hearts hence hostility became a normal occurrence each week. the 2nd trip only made it worse. a test to the strength of whatever we shared and we failed. Bert and i finally broke up.it was again a complex episode of loving and letting go. so much pain, so much hurt to go through all over again. the memories and moments shared was a piercing thought that constantly bothered me.i was just thankful that the whole time, i wasn't completely alone. you were my shoulder to cry on, a firm hand holding me and assuring me that everything will be okay.but you know what? it was one of the happiest points in my life when i felt so free to see you, to be with you and to pretend that you were mine but never leaving the fact that it was all fictitious. i was cautious not to let myself get too carried away by the warmth and company you readily offered me for i knew that to you, you were just being a friend to this lonely heartbroken fool.after 3 months, after having to gruelingly sort out everything, Bert and i got back together. hoping that this time around, i'd finally focus myself to the goals we used to share and get back to where we left off. i thought this would put an end to the emptiness that i felt. i thought having him again will fill up that monstrous hole that seemed to consume everything that i am only to find myself wanting more... needing more... needing you.it's a constant argument that went on inside me, emotions fighting against each other, my logic demanding one thing and my feelings wanting another. i was with him, smiling and watching him hold my hand wherever we went but all the while wishing i was somewhere else. when i hear him whisper sweet nothings, i secretly wished that it all came from you...gradually, i grew to hate the feeling. i hated it and suffocated myself in the process. it choked every inch of me. i wanted to break free and just let go but there was no way i could abandon any of it. i was being unfair to him and he did not deserve this at all... i was cheating on him...as i look back, i realize that what really went wrong in our relationship, or yet, what was really wrong in the first place was because i loved you and i loved him at the same time...but who do i love most?in an effort to mimic that wonderful feeling that amused me, after coming back from Japan, i chose to let him go once again and chose to live and let be the love that i had for you. notwithstanding the fact that you could never, in any way reciprocate these emotions. you will continue to be there for me but you could never see me the way i see you. i could tell you i love you and you'd answer me with a smile. i could try to show you how i really feel but it would be nothing compared to the past love of your life. it's like competing against someone so perfect... concluding that I'm just not the right girl for you.perhaps, you do love me at a certain degree but it could never be enough for you to actually choose me. you're just too kind to totally turn me down and hurt me. and i understand fully the choices you have to make and your reasons for doing so. i don't demand anything from you but i only wish that i was stronger to withstand all of this._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _the tale will continue but for now, i'd like to settle with this and just wait til i couldn't bear it no more.